I have a problem: I define my “ego” as always being right. For this reason, I find offense in correction, I’m afraid of being questioned, and I’m afraid of having my errors pointed out to me. I’m also afraid of rejection, and maybe this is why I’m afraid of asking for help.

What can solve this? How can I replace this thought?

A more correct way to define the “ego” is to see it as always improving: it is never really “there”. Like a pilot who always has to correct a plane’s direction, a pilot who must always consult his co-pilot and traffic control. Pilots who always thought of themselves as right, many crashed their planes. “Always improving” is consistent with being “good”, skillful, and competent. Like golf. You know that not every shot will be a good one, but you are confident enough to enjoy the game. This is because you do have skills. It’s just that we never ever assume that our understanding or skills are perfect.

Ego must also love practice. Now this may be hard. Starting is hard, making mistakes is hart, and most of all, hitting a wall is frustrating, and hard. But one can come to love practice if one does not seek perfection at the moment. Let me explain.

We love to set goals and achieve results. But sometimes once those goals are achieved, there’s nothing more to prove. Or, finding that the effort to achieve those goals turns out to be much harder than expected we turn to distractions or procrastination. The solution in this case is to love the PRACTICE, leaving the accomplishment of the goal as something more open ended. Something like a by-product. Put another way, we can try not to look forward to the reward at the end, but the reward of just doing things.

Now, this kind of INFINITE GAME mentality is compatible with pushing people or oneself to achieve results, particularly because PUSHING PROMOTES PRACTICE. Golf isn’t my go-to sport: ff there were no invitations to games, I would have little incentive to practice. Golfers sometimes overdo it out of competitiveness, or out of passion: injuries from golf come from pushing yourself too hard. Excess aside, if you loved for practice you will also push others to push. Great teams and great friends “push” each other, and make practice a fun game.

I may need to find something to love in some of the things that I do or need to do. I know I love writing once I’m into it, but it’s not usually easy to start, especially on technical writing work. But the thought of getting published does get in the way: I focus on the publication and not on the enjoyable part of writing and even of being corrected. Sure there are deadlines, but an open-ended spirit can still apply to writing. Sure one has to produce a certain number of publications, but if you could see the publication effort as a process to enjoy in itself and see the publication itself as a bonus, not only will you want to write more but you will also want to do anything that will improve your writing, including seeking criticism.

Make no mistake: not all corrections will be easy to take. One reason may be that one is actually right. But it would be wrong TO FEEL BAD. If one is right, then it’s part of the game to defend one’s position, while being open to the merits of the other side. Again, this will not always go pleasantly because all correction in proud people will always hit the ego.

What one should aim at is enjoying the game, and scoring must lead to that pleasure. Scoring is both a sign of progress and a sign of life. Nothing more. This world puts a lot of emphasis on achievements and results. Maybe that is wrong. Results do mean you contribute, but one has little control over whether one’s contribution will be used. One has more control in working. Also, playing the game is itself part of the contribution. By playing the INFINITE game you ensure that you will always love being in it, which could even give you the flexibility to achieve outputs that others are not looking at. This may be part of being creative. And it also helps push others to be better.

Again, make no mistake about it: creative people have always been criticized. One reason for this is that they love the game so much that they put value in results that other people find strange. Later on their products might be appreciated. But there’s a lot of hurt along the way, even for people with lots of talent. It is also certain that creatives will have to be business savvy and must enjoy the sales and pitching process. They know that they have to pitch to people for whom the game itself is different, and whose values about what makes an enjoyable result will be very different. Especially if one is pitching to other creatives.

Of course, creatives understand other creatives, but this does not mean that they share the same values, either for the results or for how the game is played. It should be part of your ego to enjoy your game as you play it, but also to appreciate that others will have different styles. Enjoying the diversity EVEN IF IT WILL BE PAINFUL should be part of the creative person’s ego definition.

There’s a lot to be said about being open about the things you love. It’s about love expressing itself. When a person hides his values and fails to talk about the things he loves it shows the low measure of his love. This is not to say that the person who loves should be stubborn. It all comes down to sharing. If you don’t want to share, it may be because you are afraid that people will not appreciate it. Maybe you’re right. It’s almost certain you are right. But that’s not why you express your love. You express your love because you love; the reaction of the others are just data, they are not your objective. If you make it your desire that others love like you do, you will be frustrated all the time and eventually you will drop your love.

People have been discouraged because of how others reacted to their love. The reaction may have irked them. Or the perceived offense was great. But it is more likely that they have never really loved what they said they did.

Make no mistake about it: one’s purpose in life will be a cause of annoyance and frustration for oneself and for the others, even among people who believe. Sharing some purpose does not mean sharing all other values. Love does not mean always being in the clouds and accepts these differences, and reactions. Love accepts there will be doubts.

So, decide what you love practicing:

Don’t be apologetic. You love them, you love them.

I have to include working hard, which does not necessarily mean overworking. Work hard but work smart. I love that.

I think I will love the stainless steel egg timer I use to write these essays.