Once upon a time, there lived a young man named Theo. At 23, he was a grad student, long hair, sneakers, the phenotype of a programmer. Today, he was testing an Android app called the Emotion Compass on his Samsung Galaxy S23.

The Emotion Compass analyzed conversations in real time. It would indicate which were the likely emotions by increasing or decreasing the tone of the colors. The user would indicate what he thought the emotion was by touching the appropriate pie, close to the center if he felt less confident, more to the edge if he felt less confident about his guess. The color of that emotion would become more or less intense depending on how closely the app agreed.

In other words, it was a Bayes calculator. But we won’t get into theory any further.

His testing site was a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf shop at a mall. He took a table near an attractive couple and sat facing them. He turned on the app, which was now discretely analyzing the couple’s conversation.

The woman was about 40, the man around the same. They were seated across each other. The man was more relaxed and leaned a little back, the woman was leaning towards the man. The conversation went like this; the app’s conclusions are in brackets.

Hannah: (smiling) You know, Jack, it’s been really nice spending time together these past few months. I’ve enjoyed our conversations and getting to know you better. [High happy]

Jack: (nodding) I agree, Hannah. It’s been a refreshing experience. I feel like we connect on a deeper level than I have with most people. [Low angry]

Hannah: (thoughtful) Yes, there’s something special about finding someone who understands your journey, especially when you’ve had a few twists and turns along the way. I’ve learned so much about myself since my anullment and raising my son. I’m grateful to have someone like you in my life at this stage. [Low anxious]

Jack: (smiling) That’s really kind of you to say, Hannah. It’s true; life can be quite the rollercoaster. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs too, but I think it’s important to keep an open mind and explore all the possibilities life has to offer. [Low angry]

Hannah: (gently) Absolutely. You know, Jack, I’ve been thinking about the future and how nice it would be to have someone to share life’s adventures with, someone who truly understands and appreciates the person I’ve become. [Medium anxious]

Jack: (carefully) I can see how that would be important to you, Hannah. Life is full of surprises, and it’s great to have someone by your side to experience them with. At the same time, I’ve come to appreciate the freedom that comes with being unattached. It’s allowed me to meet so many interesting people, from all walks of life. [Medium angry]

Hannah: (nodding) I can understand that perspective, Jack. But there’s also something to be said for the stability and support that comes from a committed partnership. It’s like a safe harbor in the midst of life’s storms. [Medium anxious]

Jack: (smirking) I see where you’re coming from, Hannah. But there’s a certain allure to exploring new horizons, to keep growing and experiencing the world. And you never know who you might meet along the way. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting so many vibrant, young women who have opened my eyes to different perspectives. [Medium angry]

Hannah: (smiling) Of course, that’s a valuable experience, Jack. But there’s also a depth of understanding and connection that can only be built with time, shared experiences, and maturity. It’s a different kind of adventure, but one that can be just as fulfilling. [Medium afraid]

Jack: (grinning) It’s true, Hannah. There are many paths to happiness, and each person has to find the one that’s right for them. It’s been wonderful getting to know you, and I’m sure we’ll continue to learn from each other, no matter where our journeys take us. [Medium angry]

Hannah: (softly) Yes, Jack. I’m grateful for the time we’ve spent together, and I’m excited to see what the future holds for both of us. [Medium angry]

The couple continued to talk for a few more minutes, but mostly about nothing worth analyzing. Fewer and fewer words were being exchanged, until they said their goodbyes and left.

Ten minutes later, the man returned and sat at Theo’s table.

“So, how did it go?”, he asked.

“Sir, that’s so cool,” said Theo. “You both stayed chill and nice. Props! I was lowkey confused, but the app always said you were mad. She’s kinda more variable, right? But for real, was she mad at the end though?” Jack was an expert in AI and in Bayesian statistics, and Theo’s M.S. thesis adviser.

“I got these kinds of dynamics wrong, too,” said Jack. “I think we guys are clueless in any case.”

“What were you mad about? Like, from the start.”

“The last few days were not so clear. I was thinking, if she ever says ‘If you don’t marry me, then let’s just break up’ it would be, ‘No prob, Hannah. You’re still a friend.’ “

“So, what was she mad about?”

“The fact that her sexual market value has crashed, while mine has risen. You think she expected that?”

“Ms. Hannah’s still slaying, I think, and I bet she was like, total goals when she was in her 20s. Makes sense though, with her being all successful and stuff, right?…”

“Right. I was interested in her these last few months, but never to commit. Sure, she’s a successful banker, smart, still attractive. I’m a professor, 45, earn a very good salary, mentor brilliant students like yourself. What would you say I have that she doesn’t?”

“Options?”

“Exactly. You think I’d commit to a 45-year old alpha female with a child who isn’t mine? You know what genetics has to say about this. What do you think she’s thinking?”

“She’s maybe looking to settle down, you know? Like, support and stuff. With her being so successful, she’s prob thinking you two would be perf together?”

“Look, I can choose any 20-year old here. They’re more attractive and they carry less baggage. Whatever kids we might have will be my kids. Options, Theo, options.

“Take US data: if the ladies do not get to the altar at an early age, they are likely to get stranded. Nowadays, 70 per cent of women marry before they are 24, and I’m not even sure it’s even that young. Anyway, from then on, it’s downhill. By the time a woman is 30, there is about one chance in two she will ever get married and at 40, one chance in five. By the time she’s 50, the chances are just one in 16, and after 60, one in 62.” Jack sipped his coffee. “And alphas are worse off.”

“If she was like, mega rich, then she could marry at 90. Like Mrs. O_. I always thought rich old dudes would be into rich old ladies, you know?”

“Most ‘rich old dudes don’t think that way’, Theo, unless it’s their wife, and the wife’s the total package even without her looks anymore. Look, I’ve been thinking about an upgrade that will tell you the probability of a happy, long term relationship, for every age and income bracket, whether the woman, or man, is divorced, has kids, is your co-worker, etcetera. These kinds of apps can put a tamper on your emotional thinking about what it takes to be employable, trusted, what it takes to persuade. What this app can do for mental health!”

“That’s why they say Bayes is like the anti-paranoia, like you said in a lecture. But, like, it can be sketchy. You really want to know what peeps are thinking? Like, what if it’s about what they feel about you? But I still think it’s cool! And like, according to the app… –“

“Theo, what people feel about us is their business. To us it’s just data. I’m not saying the app should replace your gut feel or your decision making; on the contrary. An app like this keeps off the blindfold of strong emotions, helps you stay rooted. And you’ve been tracking our chat, I see. Good.”

“So like, the app says you were kind of sad when you talked about AI, but you still sounded sure of yourself. Does that make sense, though?”

“Let me see the transcript. Oh, I see. The app figured I was referring here to someone specific,” Jack pointed to the text and smiled.

Theo examined the transcript. “Omg, so this backs up my guess: you totes have a crush on Julienne, but she’s like, your research assistant.”

“Never date a co-worker!” they both said at the same time.

“Ha ha. Even an allegation might get me in hot water with HR. Not worth it; I’d rather avoid socializing with all women at work. Stay professional. You know, you should really be careful about Julienne.”

“No worries, sir. I’ll get my degree first,” Theo smiled while switching off the app.

They finished their coffee while going over some interesting transcripts from yesterday’s lab meeting.

(Q.C. 230501)