Do I like myself? That depends on which self we’re talking about.

In a previous blog I wrote about self (identity) being of two sides: private and public. The private self, or ego, is the subject who is aware of thinking, deciding, feeling, and who takes responsibility for these thoughts and actions, and their consequences. The public self is the brand, the experience others have of the person. Although it need not be the case, many people use the term self-esteem to refer to both.

Regardless, many people suffer from low self esteem.

How many people, we don’t really know for sure. One study on a subpopulation of girls aged 9-14 years (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9648018/) found black girls’ had higher and more stable self-worth and experienced greater satisfaction with their physical appearance compared to white girls. This is not an estimate of the number of people who suffer, but does suggest — self esteem is a complex issue.

Noting that caveat, we can still guess people have low esteem when we see they exhibit the following behaviors:

• They can’t take compliments: If you say something nice to them, they might shrug it off or straight up think you’re just being polite, instead of simply saying “Thank you.”
• Negative Nancy alert: They keep talking trash about themselves, instead of working on solving their issues.
• People-pleaser syndrome: They keep bending over backwards for others, thinking if they do enough favors, people will like them more.
• Scared-cat mode: Try new things? Forget it. They’re scared of failing and everyone seeing it.
• Super glued to social media likes: They keep checking if their posts are getting enough likes, or their likes getting liked.
• The apology tour: Saying “sorry” like they have a quota for it, even for stuff that’s not their fault. They don’t want to ruffle any feathers.
• Can’t decide on anything: Even choosing what to eat can be nerve-wracking. They don’t want to make choices because they’re scared of messing up.
• Need a GPS for boundaries: They let people walk all over them. They don’t know how to say no or set boundaries.
• Lonely island: They might avoid social situations because they think no one wants to hang with them. This is not to be confused with the introvert, who simply does not get his energy from being with other people.
• Mirror, mirror not on the wall: They are critical of how they look and compare themselves to others all the time.

This is not an exhaustive list.

What are some reasons for people not liking themselves?

• Poor mental health: People with depression, anxiety, or personality disorders often have a negative self-image and exhibit some of the above behaviors.
• Social comparisons: Social media has worsened the epidemic of individuals comparing themselves to others. When they see acquaintances tanned on a beach they feel inadequate.
• Bullying or abuse: Bullying, abuse, or other forms of trauma can create the habit of seeing nothing but evil and oppression where there in fact are none.
• Body image and physical appearance: Society’s beauty standards can make individuals feel miserable they do not measure up. Adolescents and young adults are most prone, because they are at the stage where belonging is super important to them.
• Academic or professional failures: Failing to meet personal, academic, or professional goals can discourage people to the point of giving up on themselves.
• Cultural or societal expectations: Some cultures expect behavior, success, or appearance in given situations. Failing to meet them can lead to shame.
• Family dynamics: Negative feedback or lack of support from family members can have the same effect as bullying.
• Financial stress: Financial difficulties can lead to feelings of powerlessness.
• Chronic illness or disability: Having a chronic illness or disability might make an individual feel different from others, and in some cases, this can lead to feeling outcast.

Ironically, people with low esteem can become tyrants obsessed with external success and all the marks of self importance to compensate. The flipside is an obsessive fear of failure such as betrayal, even death.

Such an ego may look strong, so powerful that it distorts reality, creating a fantasy world where one is the only hero. That kind of ego does not tolerate opposition, and it is obsessively scared of failure. But this kind of ego is not really strong. On the contrary, it is a prisoner trapped in its fantasies and fears.

Ryan Holiday wrote Ego is the Enemy as a guide to help you keep that kind of ego in check, pinpointing the problem as a disease. How do you treat that disease? Holiday breaks down his prescription into three parts – when you’re on the come up, when you’ve made it, and when you face a setback.

In the first part, Holiday suggests you to always be a student – don’t think you know everything. When you’re getting successful, stay calm and humble. And when things go south, don’t let your ego make you act all bitter and delusional. Instead, learn from the hits, and bounce back. Life sucks, but the humble student will deal with it.

At the heart of Holiday’s philosophy is the idea that the cure for a dysfunctional self esteem is to strengthen the private self by wholeheartedly taking responsibility to think, act, and feel in a way that is health and consistent with reality, an ego that’s confident it will arrive at a place that draws security and happiness from no other. As St. Matthew wrote:

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Matthew 6:19-21

One of the many stories Holiday tells to illustrate his points is about businessman Howard Hughes (1905-1976).

Hughes was an insanely rich man who had his fingers in several pies – aviation, movies, business. But Hughes’s ego got out of control; it became hard to distinguish his real achievements from his own hype. Hughes was always craving for more – more money, more fame, more power – and this insatiable hunger led him to some bizarre behavior and shady business deals. Hughes eventually became a recluse and eccentric as his life went on.

The New York Times described his final days:

Naked, almost unable to hear, one leg atrophied, riddled with bedsores, unable to eliminate his own wastes, starving, Howard Hughes brought himself to his miserable end while worth more than a billion dollars and he died as he did surrounded by aides…

Lawrence Dietz, The New York Times, 23 Jan 1977

Hughes’s story shows that when you let your ego take the wheel, it can mess with your sense of reality. Instead of staying grounded, learning, and focusing on meaningful work, Hughes’s ego made his life a spectacle and prevented him from fulfilling his genius in a more positive way.

Do you like yourself? If yes comes from having a good brand and taking responsibility for one’s thoughts, desires, and feelings, that is a healthy “yes”. But if yes only comes from having money or likes, then find a better reason to like yourself. Start by having as your purpose to do that one thing you love, are good at, that others need, and that you get paid to do. Then build internal confidence by always being a student, taking responsibility for everything that you think, want, and feel.

(Q.C. 230608)