That we can be all at once whatever we choose to be means that a lot of what goes on in us is something we choose. I’m not saying that if a tsunami disintegrates your house, or your best friend betrays you, that you are responsible for the damage done to your property or to your body. However, you are responsible for how you will think about it, how you will feel about it, and how you will act on it. My mentor Prof. Dadufalza made me promise to never forget this.

That said, we can choose to react in a positive way to a negative event. Same event, different reaction, what I’m saying. But because some fears are habits, the way to reverse these fears is to create a new habit, and then to practice that habit. The system I will describe here is based on creating a habit of speaking to ourselves that will lead to positive behaviors. One way to set-up such a habit is to use the VAK system.

The VAK system in Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) refers to three primary modes of sensory perception: Visual, Auditory, and Kinesthetic. According to NLP, people tend to prefer one of these modes when processing information.

1. Visual (V): People who are visual learners tend to prefer and process information that they can see. They often think in pictures and are sensitive to visual details. They use language like “I see your point,” “Let’s look at the big picture here,” “The future is bright.”
2. Auditory (A): Auditory individuals prefer listening and learn best through verbal instructions or discussions. They often think in sounds and are sensitive to tone and rhythm. They use language like “I think it sounds good,” “I hear you,” “Aristotle said this.”
3. Kinesthetic (K): Kinesthetic learners prefer to learn by doing. They are sensitive to the physical world and often think in terms of physical sensations. They need to move or engage in a physical activity to process information effectively. They use language like “I feel this is going to work out,” “OK, guys, let’s get moving,” “You need to practice you speech.”

The theory behind the VAK system is that our thoughts must use sensory information to make a judgment. The sensory information can happen now, or it happened in the past (memory) or will happen (imagination).

Now, here’s the powerful idea: the brain will believe whatever judgment you make. That judgment often comes in the form of an internal dialogue. Say, you see a “ghost” on the stairway. If you tell yourself “Oh s**t, a ghost!”, your brain will go “Yes, it’s a ghost”, and you will start a series of involuntary reactions beginning with increased heartbeat, decreased skin temperature, and then a full scale panic attack at worst. But if you tell your brain this “ghost” is “I just got a bad hangover”, then you will act in an entirely different way. You might experience a temporary surprise at first, but it will rapidly evaporate as you focus on something other than the “ghost”.

In time, you will view all “ghosts” as harmless distractions at best, the sign you should sober up at worst.

Here is a more realistic example of how the VAK system might be used to get rid of many have called the second biggest fear after the fear of death: public speaking.

You want to become more confident. But don’t limit your confidence to only looking confident. Hear confident, feel confident. Apply the VAK system to make a movie in your head using all three sense modes. [You may ignore the parts where I refer to the actual event, but I include them here because you can also practice how to react to a hostile audience.]

1. Visual: Imagine a great public speaker; say, Barack Obama. If you have aphantasia, a condition where you can’t visualize images in your mind, turn on a Youtube video of him giving a speech, or guesting in a talk show, like Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis. Pay attention to Obama’s posture and facial expressions. Notice how he uses his hands, how he breathes. Then visualize yourself in his place, with the same confident posture, expressions and gestures, breathing pattern. Imagine your audience listening with great attention and clapping. During the actual speaking event make eye contact with individual people, first this guy on the right, and then this other one on the left. See their faces showing enormous interest. If they show discomfort or hostility, imagine them becoming calm.
2. Auditory: Using your imagination or a video, pay attention to how Obama uses his voice: his speed, tone, pitch, inflections, rhythm. Does he say uhms? How does he use pauses? What does his body show when he listens to Zach? Then put yourself in Obama’s place, doing exactly what he is doing. The applause is directed at you. During the actual event, pay close attention to the sounds in the hall, the chit chat among the spectators. Imagine they are talking about you: they are looking forward to your talk. If you hear someone heckling, listen, then hold up your hand to him to say “Wait.”
3. Kinesthetic: Practice. Write out your speech; sit down and read it aloud, with feelings. You may do this in front of a mirror. Then do it all over again standing up, making gestures, imagining yourself addressing this part of the audience, and then this other part. Nod your head at Zach or the emcee. Pause instead of saying uhm. Walk around the “stage”. As you get close to an actual speaking event, arrive early at the venue to pace around the stage and around seats. Breathe deeply, slowly, and rhythmically. Relax. When things become uncomfortable, do the same.

If you don’t have a speech ready, read from a book. You may also read from a shopping list or a telephone directory.

Practice, practice, practice. When you wake up in the morning, briefly imagine a speaking scenario with all VAK parts. At work, be “greedy” for the chances to speak. I tell my students, “When the teacher asks if there are any questions, raise your hand, stand up, and then figure out what question you want to ask.”

You will soon notice your internal dialogue change from negative self-talk to positive self-talk. As you become more and more confident in more and more aspects of your life, the normal dialogue you have with yourself will be: “This is not a problem, but an opportunity. This is not impossible, just hard. I can do this!”

People who are unable to listen to internal dialogue could write it out instead.

Some events in life are genuinely life threatening. The best thing to do in a mugging, as long as your life is not threatened, is to give your wallet. If your life is threatened, the best thing to do is scream (an explosive NO! will do), punch (the nose, for maximum pain) or kick (the nuts or the shin), and run, in that order, without thinking. I had a friend who knocked a mugger out. If you’re not this confident, you will want some training. Watch a violent movie. Imagine yourself kicking, punching, scratching, screaming and running. [Violent movies have a use!] I enrolled in basic krav maga to know what it actually feels like to be mugged. You might still get killed in a real situation, but at the moment where you have a fighting chance, fear will not paralyze you and ensure your demise. And if, in fact, you lost everything in a tsunami, again, when you need your wits to recover, fear will not paralyze you.

Finally, to say that we can be all at once whatever we choose to be does not mean we can be a genius at anything. Becoming great at something through technical practice is another subject. What is important here is this: that at the moment where you can act effectively, fear will not paralyze you.

(Q.C. 230611)