This essay is adapted from a talk I delivered about fraternity, understanding, and refinement. Let’s break this down.

We’ve got three big players in the game of relationships: fraternity or brotherhood, understanding one another, and a touch of class, or refinement. But the secret sauce? Knowing where to draw the line – that’s boundaries and respect.

Brotherhood is like the ultimate friendship. It’s that feeling that says, “Hey, we’re in this together.” Literally, in the same house, the same clan, the same whatever group you consider to be made up of your brothers and sisters. But, just like you wouldn’t want your sibling rummaging through your stuff without asking, the same rule applies here. It’s about having each other’s backs, sure, but also giving each other space. Respect the individual, and the group vibe stays cool.

Understanding each other is like, “I get you.” You don’t have to agree on everything, but you get where the other person is coming from. However, this doesn’t mean pushing too far or getting too nosy. It’s more like letting your buddy share their playlist, listening to it, and saying, “Cool tunes,” even if it’s not really your jam.

Being Classy (or Refinement) isn’t just about wearing fancy clothes or using big words. It’s like having that inner rulebook that says, “Maybe don’t say that out loud.” It’s knowing how to act, or not act, in different situations, making sure you’re not stepping on toes, or, worse, making a total fool of yourself.

I recently found a YouTube short about 15 Rules for Men [women readers are invited to find similar ones]. Not dogma but a useful reference on refinement as it applies to MEN.

The 15 Rules for Men are:

a. Never go back to the woman who cheated.
b. Never let a woman disrespect you.
c. Never shake a hand sitting down.
d. Never go broke to impress others.
e. Never eat the last piece of something you didn’t buy.
f. Always have the ambition to be better.
g. Protect who’s behind you, and respect who’s beside you.
h. Take 1-3 seconds pause after getting asked a question. [Comment on this rule: When smoking wasn’t universally banned people went, “What time do we leave?” [Other guy goes, pause, put cigarette in mouth, inhale, exhale] “5 minutes.”]
i. Don’t beg for a relationship.
j. Work out at least 4x a week.
k. If you’re not invited don’t ask to go.
l. Always carry cash.
m. Dress well no matter what the occasion.
n. Listen, nod, and most of all, make eye contact.
o. Find multiple ways to make money.

Trivia: The video features clips from Peaky Blinders, a gangster series starring Irish actor and former rock star Cillian Murphy. By the end of this long series Murphy, a non-smoker, had smoked 15,000 cigarettes.

We don’t often talk about boundaries. But we all have met people who made us feel uncomfortable. Like straight-up deny saying something when you know they did. It could be a random guy standing way too close in line or someone prying into your personal business.

Just because we’ve been taught to respect boundaries doesn’t mean everybody does. Doesn’t mean they’re mental, they just don’t know. We have to help them, by indicating clearly what our boundaries are. But maybe we ourselves don’t know what our boundaries are. So here’s a clue. You know you’ve had a boundary crossed when you feel off or just drained after dealing with someone.

At the same time, we can’t be too sensitive naman. It’s a stupid boundary to say no one should ever give you a correction, even a public one, just because you were drained by the experience. Or that no one should EVER scold you. Or say that no one should EVER joke to you about your weight. Wokism is just that: oversensitivity. Or that no one should EVER talk behind your back or have a poor opinion of you, which by their nature are indefensible boundaries. We can’t be unreasonable and say that just because he or she did this we can no longer be friends, ever.

Finally, we can’t have boundaries that are too SMALL. Some don’t EVER voice their opinion because they were taught as kids never to speak unless addressed. Some boundaries are just neurotic rules.

Boundaries have to be reasonable as well as dynamic. The way I think about this is to think of CONTEXT. Three general contexts: I could be playful, or I could be authoritative, or I could be in problem solving mode. When I’m in problem solving mode I do not like that people goof around, something that’s perfectly normal when I’m in playful mode. I don’t like people acting like clowns when I’m giving a class. But some people might be living their lives in just a single mode, playful, authoritative, or problem-solving all the time. They need help, too.

So, what’s the game plan? Becoming a well adjusted man (or woman) starts by knowing we all deserve a respect for space. Then, adjust boundaries to different contexts and be clear about them. Then it becomes easier to seek the good of the others.

That’s why living in society is so important for becoming mature.

So, wrapping it up: Brotherhood, understanding, and a touch of class are the heart and soul of solid relationships. Throw in respect for personal boundaries, and you’ve got a recipe for getting along and having a good time together. Keep it real, and know where the line is.

It’s that simple.

(Q.C. 230813)