Jay Leno of The Tonight Show is a popular TV host.

I sometimes have this habit, binging on Youtube just before going to bed. Although I share Jordan Peterson‘s opinion that it’s a kind of reading, and though I get much enjoyment from the jokes of Jay Leno and others, it makes me lose sleep, not good for the next day. There really is only one way to get rid of this. I don’t have to invent anything, just execute.

I may have put a few “boundaries” to this compulsion, like “I’ll only watch Jay Leno this time”, but the boundaries are just allowing me to have a lot LESS restrictions within those boundaries. It’s a rationalization.

You see, as long as there are “acceptable” boundaries, everything within them is free game. There are rules within, but they do not mark what’s good from what’s bad, only what’s expedient and cost effective. And how many more minutes are left before midnight.

Sometimes, I feel a little depressed about this, maybe edging towards boredom — even a fun Tonight Show loses all its charm after some point.

Mix this with the demands of everyday, especially work. I’m sitting here writing this waiting for a class to begin. I’m sleepy. That’s what I’m saying, the boundary, that boundary which is really doing nothing to improve freedom but just increases the extent of my dependence on drugs — caffeine — and here in front of this class not knowing exactly whether what I’m going to tell them is really worth my while or theirs.

But caffeine, at least, works. There’s little creativity now where I’m standing. But at least I can function. And once I start speaking the caffeine will not be necessary. It’s the down afterwards that’ll be harder to bear.

Fine. With or without Youtube, or caffeine, to me it’s just a type of what I do everyday to push the wall. Madonna at 64 years old still holds concerts. She’s pushing her art to the limits. Same thing. Deliberately creating chaos pushes the wall.

I don’t have to create chaos. But we have to go through it anyway: complications from travel, loneliness, contradictions in life, failures in experiments, feelings of sorrow and depression, feelings that nothing works, and sometimes the only way to improve the tune is to change the guitar itself. But you don’t have the budget. Deal with it.

Like small talk.

So, last night at Shakey’s I was reading about the proper attitude when dealing with small talk. That thing people do as a ritual hoping for the most part that it would end. Yet the latter might just the vegetables that one must go through before getting to the meaty stuff.

This is how it works. I’m impatient because I’m the center of my universe. Everyone is a blip in this awesome life I have. Most of the people I meet are extras in a movie. When I deal with someone wo is more than an extra, I’m looking to be entertained.

But that’s the wrong attitude. I wrote about sonder in my last blog. Consider instead to think that there’s a universe in every person, just as deep and as interesting as your own. To them you are just an extra. Yet, everyone is a vast universe. Who has the time to go through ALL of them? Of course, no one. But that’s not the point.

The point is to connect. How?

Ask What Would Jay Do?

Jay Leno. This guy is an expert in making his guest feel that for the next 10 min he or she is the most interesting person in his life. He listens, he asks questions. He makes them comfortable. Unlike the way many people get into “conversations”, like they’re just waiting what’s going to happen. Usually they are just waiting whether they will be entertained. Not so Jay Leno.

Everyone is worth it! There are some people like Leno who just seem to have a talent for making connections. But there’s really no genius technique to it. Just be GENUINELY INTERESTED. Show with every word and gesture and smile that he or she IS the center of his or her universe. Then neither you nor they will be a blip in each other’s life.

Will they ever be friends? We don’t know. Probably not. But they cannot be friends when our attitude is that we want to be entertained. Entertainment may be part of the interaction but it is not its essence, nor is it really as important as showing interest. Or faking it. Which is better than no interest.

Other behaviors like body language, the way we listen, the questions we ask. But the real thing is the attitude, that I’m curious, like supremely curious.

I probably lost some of these skill when I became BUSY. Fortunately, there’s Jay Leno.

(Calamba, 231007)