Author: jaylazzo

Online interactions and Self Esteem

| jaylazzo

I came across this interesting article (https://www.choosingtherapy.com/social-media-self-esteem/) as I was trying to find examples of how online interactions reflect self esteem. It seems from this article that, although social media as a cause is difficult to establish, evidence is strong that spending lots of time on it increases the risk for low self esteem.

The part of the article that grabbed my attentions was this:

Research suggests that problematic social media use can notably disrupt the development of healthy self-esteem for some individuals. The “cyber self,” or who you are in a digital context, is an idealized self-concept, allowing for a potential “new you” online.

Youth and many adults spend much time assembling, creating, and experimenting with their “cyber selves” by interacting with others online. These crafted selves rely on a steady flow of carefully curated selfies and feedback.

J. Fortunato, “Social Media and Self-esteem: 8 Possible Impacts”

The author describes a process not very unlike the experience of discovering our comfortable selves when we were teenagers. We experimented, we got feedback. Teenagers have curated their appearance for as long as there were teenagers.

And adults, too. A striking example is Queen Elizabeth I (1533-1603) of England who carefully went over every portrait every made of her, approving only what showed her as young and healthy. The white make-up she used to hide her wrinkles contained lead. Under that thick white paint her skin was crawling with lesions, her teeth were rotting, and her mind was decomposing.

Image: https://images.liverpoolmuseums.org.uk/styles/dynamic_medium/public/2022-05/Queen-Elizabeth-I.jpg

Queen Elizabeth I did things to herself that were dangerous and deadly, in order for her to be remembered in the public eye as young and beautiful. This certainly was the effect on her enemies. Modern Elizabeths on social media do not use lead paint — Photoshop suffices.

Sometimes the person you see in front of you is the person in the photos. Sometimes, it’s not. The more curated pictures that person has, the greater the shock on realizing how different the person really is. Now, is this a problem?

Maybe, maybe not. Like Queen Elizabeth, people have good reasons for projecting an image that’s different from the real thing. She was a clever Queen, and so is every company that has ever advertised itself.

So what about social media will show a person to have low self esteem? Not the pictures, but the words. It takes a skilled writer to hide low self esteem in written works. Some writers are so good that even their low self image is seen by others as an asset, something that makes the writer more human, relatable and charismatic. And then, the caveat: the words that are now permanent reflect a mood that was not. Therefore, it’s not easy to find something in social media, or in any written work, that will clearly point to low self esteem.

As if it mattered. I don’t really care about a person’s self esteem as reflected in social media, or their self esteem in general. Whether their use of social media is making them devalue themselves is something they have to work out themselves. My concern in the matter is whether their interactions with me now are unproductive because they are too toxic.

I’ll end this reflection with words from another British politician Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881), words that highlight the significance of a consistent, dignified, and professional public image. It discourages public disputes, values discretion, and promotes transparency and honesty. In private, they are the marks of a person one can do good business with.

“Never complain, never explain.”

Attributed to Benjamin Disraeli, British Prime Minister

An article about that motto can be found here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Never_complain,_never_explain

And as to my own policy about social media? I don’t take selfies.

(Q.C., 240112)

On self-esteem

| jaylazzo

Is it possible for you to feel OK by interacting with someone you feels is NOT OK? Is it possible to increase one’s sense of worth through dealings with someone who has low self worth?

Yet another thought-provoking and relatable question from our Transactional Analysis course. This is one of the easier ones to answer.

Yes: someone you think who has low esteem can build you up. And I do not answer this merely from the point of view of feeling.

Low self esteem is not a disease. Although there are people we know who are continuously in this mode, I think it’s something that affects everyone sometimes. It is, yes, a feeling, but also the result of beliefs that can be highly dependent on context. Low self esteem is found in the highly talented as well the most mediocre, in rich and in poor. It can be found in people who are professionally highly successful, and whose stories inspire.

This phenomenon is very clear in the saints. And few are more illustrative than the life of Alphonsus ‘Alfie’ Lambe (1932-1959). Although he is not a canonized saint of the Catholic Church, having reached the first stage which is to be called “Servant of God”, he is considered by many to be the patron of people with low self esteem. A patron saint is often someone associated with a need. In his case we find frustration and poor health, perhaps few friends, but mixed with a great love for God and for men.

Image: https://philadelphiasenatus.org/wp-content/uploads/alfie-lambe001.jpg

This is how the site https://www.thecatholicprofessional.com/patron-saints-series/ describes him:

Servant of God Alfie Lambe was also a member of the Legion of Mary and was an Envoy to South America. He was very disappointed when his ill health prevented him from joining the Irish Congregation of Christian Brothers. However, he found a new calling through the Legion of Mary, serving homeless men at the Morning Star Hostel in Dublin. Despite his health challenges, he became an Envoy of the Legion of Mary and visited schools, leper colonies and prisons in Columbia, Ecuador, Chile, Bolivia, Peru, Uruguay, Brazil and Argentina. He was good with languages and learned Portuguese, Spanish, Quechua (a native language), and even Russian in hopes of traveling there. The ‘el corderito,’ or ‘little lamb’ as he was known, didn’t make it to Russia, dying at the young age of 26 in 1959 after establishing numerous branches of the Legion in multiple countries. Although he didn’t join the order, he is buried in the Christian Brothers Vault, Recoleta Cemetery, Buenos Aires, Argentina. His cause for beatification began in 1978. If you are in a situation where you don’t know what to say or how to say it, ask ‘el corderito’ for help!

Quite average in human talents but extraordinary in achievement, Alfie Lambe reflects the words of St. John the Baptist

“He must increase, and I must decrease.”

John 3: 30

Many saints were failures by our standards: St. John Cupertino, denied entry to three monasteries because of extreme neuroticism, St. Francis Xavier, failed miserably in his dream to catechize East Asia. Some saints were quite loud: like St. Jerome, the second most voluminous writer in Church history after St. Augustine. This is how https://www.wordonfire.org/articles/the-cantankerous-st-jerome/ describes him:

“Jerome was known for being a cantankerous fellow. He struggled at times with the virtue of patience, could be overbearing with those who disagreed with him, and had a reputation for being cranky. One commentator on Saint Jerome’s life noted that perhaps Jerome chose to be a hermit, not so much as a heroic act of sacrifice, but because had he not lived alone, he most assuredly would not have been a saint!“

St. Camillus de Lellis was a former gambling addict. Others were more “normal”, like St. Philip Neri, patron saint of people who like to laugh and enjoy, and St. Joseph who was Jesus’ dad and taught him carpentry.

Does divorce destroy self esteem? Some saints went through a divorce: St. Fabiola of Rome and St. Gummarus. How about physical abuse? St. Germaine Cousin, born poor and with a terrible physical deformity, was abused by her stepmother all her life.

Yet all of them are heroic in their love for the sick, the poor, and in their love for God. In fact, it seems to be that since they considered themselves as nothing, God was able to fill them with everything. They had no self-esteem of their own, other than what God had placed in their souls.

These are heroic examples. How about the less heroic? In fact, we’re rarely inspired by everything in a person’s life. Even the people we look up to may be horrible in some aspect of their life. My favorite movie character, Michael Corleone, feared Mafia godfather, was a terrible father and husband. Louis Pasteur, real life scientist, was inspiring to microbiologists since the 19th century, but was quite incompetent as an administrator.

I imagine that when you’re a bad administrator your “self-esteem” as an administrator goes down when you’re with excellent managers.

So, self-esteem can be relative. It can be low in a few areas, it can affect many areas. But it may leave out a few where one is an inspiration.

And it can also be that a person never finds his genius. Yet even that is not without worth: the fact that he lived, survived, had kids, had a job no matter how terrible. If he did it, why can’t I?

Any interaction with any person is a gift. Everyone is a universe in himself or herself waiting to be discovered. Perhaps your Grab driver is an awesome father or a math genius. You’ll never know until you make contact with that universe and what it holds.

Most of us are intensely curious as kids. Then work and responsibilities get us so wrapped up in our own concerns that most talk stays at the level of small talk. We may encounter people who find it creepy when others try to get to know them. The pandemic might have made some people more careful, or simply less used to face-to-face interaction.

And some continue to wear their masks. There is little evidence that surgical masks protect one from contracting it; the only reason I see for people to continue wearing them is when they themselves are sick. It’s much the same with self-esteem. If we don’t take the initiative to reveal what we have inside, it makes it a lot harder for others to appreciate our gifts. And so, whether it affects a few or large areas of our life, low self esteem is something we choose.

(Q.C., 240111)

2024 Suggested Resolutions: Go all in!

| jaylazzo

Whatever it is you truly want, do yourself a favor and GO FOR IT. Go all in. If it doesn’t work out at least you can’t say you didn’t try.

Dreams tease us with possibilities, whispering to us in the quiet moments of our lives. We know this is it. Yet, how often do we find ourselves hesitating on the edge, unsure whether to take the plunge into uncertainty? It’s time to cast aside doubt and hesitation. Go for it, and go all in!

Dreams demand that we wake up. We’d rather not, frankly. But, having decided that the dream’s worth the danger, it’s not enough to dip your toes into the pool of ambition; you must cannonball into the deep end.

But, understand this: no one’s interested in your shit.

Steven Pressfield, author of Do the Work, said this was one of the most important pieces of advice he could give.

So, no one’s interested in your dream, then the only one you need to satisfy is yourself. This doesn’t mean seeking advice in superfluous — we have to be creative as well as wise. It does mean that the naysayers cannot be expected to do otherwise and so we leave them to their own devices.

Going all in doesn’t mean recklessness; it means commitment, dedication, and a steadfast belief in your vision.

One of the greatest tragedies in life is the regret that stems from unfulfilled dreams. How many times have we heard stories of individuals who, in their later years, lament not pursuing their passions? They speak of the ‘what-ifs‘ and ‘could-have-beens.’ It’s really better to regret the things we’ve done than the things we didn’t do.

When you go all in, you declare to the universe, and more importantly, to yourself, that your dreams are worth the investment of your time, energy, and passion. It’s about embracing all its twists and turns, knowing that every success or setback is a stepping stone toward your ultimate goal.

The path may be daunting. No: it WILL be daunting, the worthier the goal the more dangerous the path. The enemy is self-doubt, or whatever else Resistance throws at us. Resistance, that malevolent force inside us that awakens every time we go for anything that doesn’t grant immediate gratification. Going all in means facing these challenges head-on, armed with the unwavering belief that you are capable of overcoming anything.

That said, there is only one level of ambition and only three motives for undertaking your journey that guarantees you’ll overcome Resistance. The level of ambition required is TOTAL COMMITMENT. Not passion, and certainly not interest. The three reasons are: to do it for fun, to do it for beauty, or to do it because you have no choice. Any other motive, such as to be rich, or to do God’s bidding, will require a battle to the death with Resistance, and which will require subjugating your ego, impatience, and even hope. Hope, by which I mean wishful thinking.

Look at the stories of those who have achieved remarkable success. Behind every triumph lies a tale of someone who went all in. They didn’t tiptoe around their ambitions. Whether it’s launching a business, pursuing a creative endeavor, or venturing into the unknown, those who dare greatly are the ones who reap the greatest rewards. Sometimes, this is only possible when you give yourself or are given no choice.

In the year 1519, the Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortés (1485-1547) made history. When he arrived in what is now Mexico, his 600 soldiers did not want to fight.  They were tired of the voyage, the natives were not friendly, and it was a strange land. Cortés, who wanted to conquer this new land, would have none of it. To motivate his men, he burned his ships to the waterline.  They were now all faced with a stark choice: fight or die! Two years later, he completely conquered the Aztec empire. 

Go all in. Embrace the discomfort of uncertainty. Break free from the shackles of fear and self-doubt and ego.

And if nothing else, burn your boats.

Image: https://media.licdn.com/dms/image/C5112AQERC9R7FfuwkA/article-cover_image-shrink_720_1280/0/1574178438948?e=2147483647&v=beta&t=nAwsWQ8NCUbhoOvmql5fyB2pU5WRtDQSlGk7FBKVeZo

(Q.C., 240108)

2024 Suggested Resolutions: Make your number 1 trait your “figureoutability”.

| jaylazzo

Everyone who started something had no clue how to do it at the beginning. But they “figured it out” by making mistakes. This built up their confidence, and the level of confidence was the level of achievement.

“Start before you’re ready.”

Steven Pressfield, in “Do the Work”
Image: https://t4.ftcdn.net/jpg/06/01/75/35/360_F_601753533_0xphfO9Q1ffasZPcYcqu892WJathffiM.jpg

Don’t wait to get it all figured out before you act. Author Steven Pressfield wrote: “That’s the payoff we get when we start before we’re ready. The novelist discovers a new character who pops up out of nowhere and enriches the story beyond all expectation; the painter finds the canvas tugging her in a direction she had never considered; the actor stumbles onto happy accidents, oddball readings, moments of authenticity that he could never have anticipated if he’d sat down and planned it out.”

Confidence boils to down to having an internal locus of control, which brings motivation “at will”. The best way to do have this control is simply to solve problems in your life and then appreciating the fact that it was your actions that solved this problem. Starting before you’re ready does open you to challenges of this type.

For example, for more than a year I believed that my bench of 80 kg was my plateau; I also believed I had reached a plateau in other lifts. Then I researched information on lifting biomechanics and tried some changes, including some angles that were efficient but uncomfortable. Within a short time I reached 100 kg quite easily. I reflected on the fact that it was my research and experimentation that brought me to this point.

Another example comes from writing class. I tell my students, “Just keep typing for your first draft. Don’t think about grammar or about making sense. If it’s a real problem for you, white out the fonts so you don’t see what you’re typing. Great writing is great editing; I don’t expect your first drafts to be good, but you got your ideas out, and that’s what matters.”

Of course, some preparation is necessary.

“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand?”

Luke 14: 31

Your ability to start before you’re ready AND succeed depends on having built up a store of knowledge, skills, resources, and contacts. A king as described above would have spent years practicing on small challenges and investing in arms and infrastructure. We build up our abilities and resources over time. Each time we start before we’re ready, then we succeed, then we do it all over again upping the level at every stage.

Extend this thinking to everything in your life. Discover that it was because of the efforts YOU made that you are now in a better place physically, intellectually, spiritually. As you accumulate successes, you will be convinced that you will be able to handle anything that comes your way even if you will have no idea how to do so at the start.

At some point, you will not even need to psyche yourself up. Bravery becomes just a habit, the normal thing to do.

(Q.C., 240107)

2024 Suggested Resolutions: Do not focus intently on other people

| jaylazzo

Focusing on other people is a silent form of self-sabotage.

I heard this story recently.

Image: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Cdv2sbn1OLY/maxresdefault.jpg

An old man once called in his son as he lay dying on his bed. He said to the son, “My grandfather gave this watch to my dad; I would like to give it to you. But before I do, I want you to take it to the antique shop and ask them how much they’re willing to give you for it.”

The son took the watch to the antique shop. The proprietor said, “I can offer you $150; it’s too old.”

Man, it’s antique shop.

Anyway, the son got back to his father, who then directed him to present it to a pawnshop. The son did, and the proprietor told him, “I can only offer you $10; the watch doesn’t work and it’s too rusty.”

The father then directed the son to a museum. There, the curator told the son, “We are willing to offer you $500,000 for the watch, if you agree. It’s an extremely rare watch and will add great value to our collection.”

The son returned and reported this to his father, who told him: “Son, I wanted you to do all for you to understand that different people will value you differently. Be with people who value you and avoid those who don’t.”

Thus, we can err by focusing on the wrong people — those who value us little. We might focus on what they say about us or what they think about us. If their opinion of us is low, find others who value you. I’m not referring to constructive criticism, which in my experience is usually more tough if your critique values you highly, such as your mentor.

In general, it is a bad idea to be attached to anyone anyway. People are fickle, and so are their opinions. Instead, focus on becoming a better person. Focus on learning, improving, and gaining a strong character.

Then you’ll have a more accurate idea of your true value.

(Q.C., 240106)

Time Like a River

| jaylazzo

I remember this song by American singer-songwriter Michael Johnson (1944-2017), I’ll Always Love You. The bridge goes:

Time like a river keeps on
Rollin’ right on by
Nothing left for me to do
So I watch the river rise?

Michael Johnson, “I’ll Always Love You” (1979)

I imagine myself standing about waist-deep in this river of time, facing downstream. The past flows away in front of me, the future arrives from behind me. I think it’s better to think of the future as coming from behind rather than arriving from the front, which would mean you could see what’s coming. In my analogy I can only guess what the river will bring, but I don’t see it.

Image: https://media.gettyimages.com/id/997666968/photo/young-man-wading-in-water-at-lake.jpg?s=612×612&w=gi&k=20&c=8klCm3rxjpzP3dRCaNcVn-syICWrtoP9Xrk4atRJOJw=

So, what arrives? Everything. Every event, success or failure, everything anyone tells you, whether to your face or behind you. Every mistake, embarrassing act, bad investment. The consequences of decisions. One by one they roll right on by…

Then make their way to the sea, to disappear forever.

That is, they don’t matter in the end. Only one thing matters.

The one who stands in the river. He or she possess one thing: character. All the events that rolled on by matter in whether and how it changes character. I would like that these events build my character, but some events will damage it. I get to decide in the present and only in the present what will it be.

Only character remains. Every success, failure, accomplishment, every kind or abusive word anyone has ever said against me, every awesome thing I did and every shameful thing I did or was done to me, every award I receive — disappear forever.

What about decisions I make in the present? Do they affect what arrives? Yes, but we have have to put some perspective to this. We saw that the decisions we make matter in how they change our character. All the other effects don’t, but decisions today can affect what will arrive tomorrow.

Future events do result from present decisions. But there are different ways of looking at this. Obviously, if I cut into a stone to make a statue, all the future possibilities of the stone are constrained by that cut and then further limited by subsequent cuts. Still, the lasting value of a statue is how sculpting it and then contemplating it made you a better person; the statue itself will crumble to dust.

Here’s another way it happens. A man chose to become a doctor 20 years ago and thinks this is the cause of his becoming rich today. It is ONE cause, and as a profession and vocation, the decision constrained subsequent cuts. But that decision to take medicine is not the only cause specifically for his wealth. Most of our explanations for how things came to be are fantasy. In any case, what matters to the doctor is whether is profession made him a better man. All other accomplishments will disappear.

What about death? When a man dies, he is as it were taken out of the river, out of time into eternity. From which he has a view of the entire river. But he doesn’t possess the river, only his character. If his character is good, then he will be gladdened by the sight. If he lived a bad life and destroyed his character, he still sees the river, but won’t stand the sight of it.

This view of things is very practical. I have a major presentation coming up next week. I will either kill it, or be killed. These things used to make me anxious. Still do. But I know that whatever happens will sooner or later be lost at sea. This presentation and the reviews I get will matter only in whether they will make me a better person. Besides, that presentation is only one of many other events that will arrive. I have to approach each one as a chance to make me a better person.

Bad reviews, by the way, are like mud and debris. One has to capture it, enjoy it all, because there’s gold there. You’ll probably need to process a lot of mud to get enough gold to make you rich. The point is: don’t delay facing danger.

Michael Johnson (1944-2017). Image: https://performingsongwriter.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/MJ_1.jpg

Johnson is best known for the song Bluer Than Blue (1973).

(Q.C., 240106)

2024 Suggested Resolutions: Make it the year you get louder.

| jaylazzo

Mediocre people who work loudly outperform great people who work quietly. Is it fair? No. Is it reality? Yes.

This advice goes against another wise saying by an anonymous author:

Don’t tell others your plans. Show them your results.

Anonymous

I agree that speaking about plans drains energy — as if the satisfaction of accomplishing in the future is replaced by the joy of imagining one met one’s goals today. But being loud does not mean telling others your plans. I recall having once introduced a particularly energetic student as “Ladies and gentlemen, I have the honor to present, often wrong but never in doubt, Ms. ___!” Big applause! She took it as a complement.

Image: https://m.media-amazon.com/images/S/pv-target-images/df151cd5321c5ffc0b4c04be4779d3df45d2182257ed0b040bafcf940b1dbdf7.jpg

So, what to be loud about? Ideals! Here’s a famous quote said by the David Gale, Kevin Spacey’s character in The Life of David Gale (2002). Terrible movie, beautiful quote:

“Fantasies have to be unrealistic because the moment, the second that you get what you seek, you don’t, you can’t want it anymore. In order to continue to exist, desire must have its objects perpetually absent. It’s not the “it” that you want, it’s the fantasy of “it.” So, desire supports crazy fantasies. This is what Pascal means when he says that we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness. Or why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill. Or be careful what you wish for. Not because you’ll get it, but because you’re doomed not to want it once you do. So the lesson of Lacan is, living by your wants will never make you happy. What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals and not to measure your life by what you’ve attained in terms of your desires but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality, even self-sacrifice. Because in the end, the only way that we can measure the significance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others.”

Successful leaders share an exquisite ability to articulate their vision of an ideal — and unattainable –future.

So be it.

(Q.C., 240105)

2024 Suggested Resolutions: Try to be a little unreasonable in 2024

| jaylazzo

And fight for the life you want. The price you pay for being easygoing is not getting what you want.

Image: https://m.media-amazon.com/images/W/MEDIAX_792452-T2/images/I/514GbZfVnBL._AC_UF1000,1000_QL80_.jpg

This advice calls to mind something that author Steven Pressfield wrote in his smart little book Do the Work. He wrote

Stay stupid. Follow your unconventional, crazy heart.

Steven Pressfield in “Do the Work”

Children, what do they know? Precisely because they know nothing, they’re creative, they’re courageous. They feel everything is possible. They know it, that’s why many are stubborn. Adults, on the other hand, know so much they can pose a million reasons why anything will not work.

Pressfield is saying: “Stupid” and “Stubborn” is to have child-like energy and daring even as adults. An added benefit is that people who have energy attract others who are willing to go on adventures and can contribute to the mission of those adventures. In contrast, people who are too reasonable give up often even before they start, thus failing to attract even the beginning of a team.

(Q.C., 240105)

Overthinking

| jaylazzo

The problem is rarely the problem; 99% of the problem is caused in your head by you and your thoughts. 1% of the problem is caused by reality, what actually happens, and the outcome. Most of the time the problem isn’t the problem. The way you think about the problem is.

This reminded me about a girl I knew; let’s call her Clara. She had a reputation for being exceptionally level-headed and calm in the face of trouble. She did not live in a trouble-free world, having been born to a very poor family and now working as a maid, but she understood that the problem is rarely the problem itself.

One day, we got news of an impending super typhoon. The sky grew darker, and the wind whispered bad tales. As we were anxiously preparing, Clara remained strangely composed.

“Clara, aren’t you scared? The storm is coming, and it looks fierce!,” asked one of our cousins.

Clara replied, “Tars, my dear, chill; the problem is rarely the problem. Let’s not let our thoughts drown us before the storm even arrives.”

Clara gathered the cousins. She reminded us that the challenge lies not in the storm itself, but how we react to it.

Image: https://world.time.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/17/2013/11/hkg9172232-copy.jpg?w=720&h=480&crop=1

As the first raindrops fell the cousins were busy — with their toys. We enjoyed the company. And to our non-surprise, the storm just meant more time to play indoors. To this day, me and my cousins associate typhoons with toys.

True power lies in transforming challenges into opportunities. And also something else that we failed to notice: Clara and the grown-ups were busy securing the windows and provisions and doing all sorts of things in case of power outage or flood, but no one was making a big fuss of it.

As the wind howled and rain beat down, it’s the adults, with all their responsibilities, who had reason to worry the most. But in the end the skies cleared for everyone.

In fairness, this event happened on high ground. Had this happened in some place like Marikina the best thing would have been to evacuate. Overthinking can also give way to the opposite, underthinking, when we resort to wishful thinking and do nothing out of fear or inertia.

In any critical event, give it time, and silence. Most problems aren’t solved with more thinking, but with less. If you can’t solve a problem stop trying to.

Instead, act. Taking action is the best way to think.

(Q.C., 240104)