This is what I imagine addiction is like.

Say, you’ve given up beer. You find yourself walking to an event, and you see this bar/cafe that serves the “coldest beer ever”. The words trigger memories, stimulating a part of your brain to release dopamine. For reasons still unclear, the same neurotransmitter that played an important role in encoding those memories now helps bring those memories back and the pleasure associated with them; neural connections to other parts of the brain motivate you to act. The motivation can be so strong as to blind even common sense. You walk in.

Dopamine is part of a reward system involving neurons releasing it and responding to it and neural circuits around this. The process is physical and can be broken down. Briefly, the system is this: “stimulus –> motivation –> behavior”. Let’s call this the reward axis. This process can be interrupted. One can avoid the stimulus, or failing that, can associate a different motivation.

For instance, the sight of a beer bottle motivates one to look for it and then to drink it. To cut a drinking habit, one can train oneself to associate a beer bottle with thoughts of one’s damaged liver. Associating the ideas is itself a habit and building it might fail. Thus, withdrawal symptoms make it harder to kick certain addictions.

What’s interesting aside from addiction is how the reward system affects our view of reality. Constant activation of the reward axis leads to a habit. A habit allows the actor to move on “automatic pilot” for many small decisions, freeing his mind him for more important decisions. But even these small decisions become a signature and contribute to defining his character. Character in a way defines “laws” as to how a life is lived.

An interesting implication of “how a life is lived” is that to achieve your bigger dreams focus on the small actions. My favorite example: if you want to be rich, make it a habit to wake up at 5:00 a.m. everyday. Among other habits suggested from various writers I include:

1. Speak louder. Inflect downwards at the end of sentences.
2. Do not rush to respond, nod, and react to what people say.
3. Show genuine interest in others. Mirror their actions.
4. Control your breathing. This calms neural activity and emotion, freeing you to think more rationally.
5. Be mindful. Feel your breathing, your toes, ambient sounds when you’re distracted.
6. Exercise.

Last August 2019 I dropped my cellphone. It landed flat on its face on to a concrete floor, smashing the glass and causing the phone to flicker every 2 sec. Totally unresponsive, it could not even be switched off. I hoped it can still be fixed, or that I’m able to at least recover the internal memory. The accident could have been prevented, but I was too lazy or distracted to keep my stuff in order. In any case, it was just a matter of time, but I didn’t prepare for it.

It had to happen. The phone was meaningful to me in so far as it was useful for some specific things. In other words, it’s essence is incomplete as long as I saw it only as a COMPONENT of a system, a component I now lacked. The loss reminded me of what else it was: a handheld computer that interacted with its user through a thin sheet of glass. Was the loss a way for Providence to point out my ignorance, perhaps with a benevolent intent? Or was it the consequence of that ignorance, unavoidable since it is impossible to be aware of everything?

We can lose bigger things, like funding, employees, our own building. Providence probably takes into account what losses we can take. But loss is necessary. Jordan Peterson said that life IS suffering (“12 Rules for Life”, https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/12-rules-for-life/ ).

Human relations are full of assumptions. For this reason, we should try to be specific and clear about what we think, want, know, and feel, especially what we want out of a relationship. We have to be specific even when it hurts. In that way we replace long term dull and degenerative pain with short acute pain. It’s better to cut an unproductive relationship now than to go through life fearing things.

People are not just simple components of a social system. But no one has the resources or energy to give every person their due, what we think or what THEY think to be their due. No one can claim to be absolutely fair to others.

We are probably even more unfair with ourselves. We know we can do more but don’t. Sometimes we dive into a task and think nothing about what comes next, yet achieving something like genius. But how many of us spend at least some time everyday in flow? Even when we can, we don’t. We attach ourselves to routines, doing in the next 2 hours what’s on the to-do list and in our comfort zone, getting anxious over HOW we’re going to get any of that done in the day. We dive into a whirlwind! Then we lose things. We suffer. Then we must choose what to do with the experience.

Do I buy a new cellphone? Fortunately, UP Town Center is not far from where I work. If you walk to the right along the walkway in the foreground of the drawing you will find the stalls that sell cellphone accessories. I went there the morning after the accident and asked for Jeff, who had repaired my old iPad a few months back. By the afternoon he had replaced the touchscreen. I’m more careful now, but I need to work on backing some of the data.

Painting is easy when you don’t know how, but very difficult when you do.

Edgar Degas

Painting for me was rarely painless. I explained to a friend why I only drew in black and white. I said all my previous attempts at color since I was a kid were disasters, and I have stayed away from it for years.

I tried. I got a set of watercolor pencils and brushes in 2010 and made two or three paintings between 2010 and 2016. Then in September 2019 I brought them out for the first time in 3 years; since then I’ve been drawing every day, more than half of the output in color. I expect that by the end of the year 4/5 will be in color. What changed?

I realized that the BIG block to drawing was a compulsion to make beautiful work, which for me meant slow work. A postcard sized ink drawing of a village street took at least an hour with perspective lines. Not so much the time but the number of decisions one has to make can be exhausting. One plate a week should be doable, but I soon dropped the project, discouraged by the difference between quality and cost.

Then I discovered two things. First, quantity is more important than quality. I would have known this had I had formal art training. Second, and more importantly, I discovered optics.

In the early 2000’s renowned British artist David Hockney and optical physicist Charles Falco proposed a theory that Rennaissance masters, including Rembrandt and Vermeer, sometimes traced images of subjects that were projected onto the canvass by optical devices ( https://wp.optics.arizona.edu/falco/art-optics/ ). In the book “Secret Knowledge: Discovering the Lost Techniques of the Old Masters” and several scientific articles published since 2000, the proponents of the theory describe how devices that were available like the camera lucida, camera oscura, and mirrors may have been used. They cite evidence of optical distortion in paintings that are best explained by the use of lenses. They cite the large number of left handed subjects, a statistical oddity that makes sense if the artists were using mirrors. But they’re not saying the paintings are “photographs, only with paint”. They are composites, where only a small fraction of the elements were projected, whereas most–color choices, props–were imagined. Like any tool, devices were used when they provided an advantage. Still, some purists think it’s cheating. I don’t think it is, any more than using a pencil to take measurements is cheating.

The comparative mirror shown above dramatically shortens the time to draw an accurate picture, especially one with perspective. I lay the gross outlines with pencil using the device, then ink in details and color in the usual manner. One postcard drawing a day became a comfortable target. One new post a day on Instagram or on this blog became the norm. What I thought impossible happened: the more I made, the more I wanted to make.

With speed came daring. My 9-year old pencils are finally being worn down. I usually outline with ink first, but I’ve tried without that as well. I recently tried pan watercolor for the first time in more than 25 years (Prang, cheap and good). I made the drawing above without masking fluid; I used it below for the store title. Later, salt water and other tricks will be tried. Watercolor is impossible to do perfectly, but is extremely open to experimentation. No mistakes, only unexpected results.

Especially difficult for me to draw are people, so I practice. A quick look at the subject, followed by 30 sec of sketching form and ignoring details. I can fill a few pages of a pocket notebook (the paper kind!) while waiting for an order to arrive. I also practice gesture drawing at the website Line of Action, and consult Hampton’s “Figure Drawing: Design and Invention”, Barbers’ “Anatomy for Artists”, and sometimes Cho’s “Drawing Beautiful Women: The Frank Cho Method”. Gesture skills are useful for quickly drawing architecture, my favorite subject.

The results aren’t always tops. But, by November 2020 I will have more than 400 plates to choose from for a PowerPoint presentation the date of which I have already announced to friends.

A friend asked with some surprise: “You can play Wave? That’s hard!” Not really. I’ll explain.

Wave (Vou Te Contar) is a bossa nova song by the Brazilian singer, pianist and composer Antonio Carlos Jobim (1927-1994). It was first recorded as an instrumental in 1967; he wrote the English lyrics about a year later. It is one of the most recognizable bossa nova songs with Girl From Ipanema. Many bossa nova songs have become jazz standards.

Bossa nova looks hard. In contrast to most pop songs, which use 4-8 chords, Wave has 20, Girl From Ipanema 13. And they are “weird” chords. The first few of Wave are DM7, Bbdim7, Am7, D7b9, GM7, Gm6, F#13, F#7b13, B9, B7b9, E9. Apart from the M7’s and the m7’s one usually has to consult a chart to see how to play them. You will find that in almost every case at least 2 of the 6 strings should not be played. This means two things. First, you don’t usually strum; you play by fingerpicking–individually plucking strings, in series or simultaneously–using only 3 or 4 fingers. Second, you will find that you don’t have to play any chord exactly, not even the chords you are familiar with. “Mistakes” often look right in context.

Bossa nova chords can thus be played easily. But then you have to face its rhythm.

How do I even describe rhythm? Bossa nova, like its parents samba and jazz and its cousin acid jazz have more rhythmic variety and complexity than pop or rock. In some bossa nova, percussion is entirely achieved on the guitar. And unlike pop, bossa nova beats are not just syncopated, they are not even equally spaced. The best way to learn is to listen to a lot of songs and then “get it”. The Brazilians get it by feeling it, so no two renditions of the same song are ever the same.

Then there’s the voice. To me, it appears that bossa nova emphasizes expression much more than technique, and by neither do I mean Charice Pempengco’s power bursts that we refer to in Filipino as “birit“. Listen to Astrud Gilberto’s Girl from Ipanema. Hers was the voice that launched Girl from Ipanema to become the second most recorded song in history, behind Yesterday by The Beatles.

Roahl Dahl once wrote that the secret to happiness is to be very good at something very hard. What is hard with bossa nova is how to choreograph its “weird” elements to produce music that is beautiful and brings joy.

For chords and lyrics I recommend Cifra Club (www.cifraclub.com.br) and its app. I prefer original lyrics. For example, the English version of Garota de Ipanema loses the sense of lust so clear in the Portuguese. I also find that translations generally lack the sound qualities of whatever language for which the songs were written. For backing tracks, I recommend iReal Pro for Apple or Android, which gives you access to thousands of songs of all genres, including the entire contents of The Real Book, the book of jazz standards. You may edit and write your own songs. Use iReal Pro with a bluetooth speaker to sound like you’re being backed by an orchestra. Acoustic, jazz or blues guitars can make some difficult chords more playable, but I still prefer the classical guitar.

I go to the gym to gain weight.

My objective is to get as close to 200 lbs as possible (I’m now 182 lbs). More than body weight, I want to lift the heaviest I possibly can in five lifts, referred to as the Supertotal: The three powerlifts (benchpress, squat, deadlift) and the two Olympic lifts (snatch, clean-and-jerk). The sum the heaviest weights one do can in each of the five lifts. My goal is to do a supertotal of 1,100 lbs. a wk, and to aim for 1,200 lbs.

My highest supertotal ever is 1,179 lbs which I achieved only once. It’s not much. For comparison, 1,200 is the deadlift of an elite powerlifter. Although I’m still regularly between 1,000 and 1,100, 1,200 is probably next to impossible at my age of 51. This is one battle I’m conceding.

Focusing on a modest, realistic goal means less sore muscles and so I get to go to the gym more often and more consistently. In addition, on days when I am unable to execute a snatch even at a familiar weight, I swallow my pride for the sake of volume. Not a bad strategy. Research shows that volume–10 to 12 successful repetitions at a lighter yet challenging weight–is more beneficial overall than 1 to 3 reps at near max. Though the muscles might not be working at ambitious levels, the central nervous system is still trained. In the end, efficient neuromuscular control in the ordinary situations of daily life is what matters.

I’ve also conceded to the goal of getting a six-pack and to running 5k. My coach said, not as an excuse or even a scientific explanation: “Big gut, big squat.” I don’t like enjoy jogging. In the end, it’s not this or that exercise, but what keeps you going back to the gym. Consistency is key.

And learn new techniques to keep growing.

The gesture drawings above are from my Line of Action (line-of-action.com) exercise for today. Line of Action shows you a series of random pictures that you draw within a few seconds. Today’s task was to draw 10 figures at 30 sec each, 5 at 1 min , 2 at 5 min , and 1 at 10 min. At the top are the first three 30-sec figures, and the last figure in the lower right panel is the 10-min figure. I’ve been doing this exercise as warm-up almost every day since I registered at Line of Action. I also carry a small notebook with me at all times so I can sketch anywhere.

I find humans more difficult to draw than buildings in many ways. Even if you get the proportions right, the play of light depends on movement and on the underlying bone and muscle, and on the rules of perspective. Folds in clothing add another challenge. To be good at this requires knowing dynamic anatomy and mastery over the tools for rendering.

How do you render a limb that’s under tension? I heard one artist say that the real test of skill is how one draws the hand; another says it’s the head. Googling “dynamic anatomy”, “anatomy for artists”, and “how to draw clothing” will give you a ton of references. I use Michael Hampton’s “Figure Drawing: Design and Invention”, and I just got Barrington Barbers’ “Drawing Anatomy” for more detailed illustrations.

The skills of figure drawing are transferable to other subjects. For example, you must ignore details when you only have 30 sec, apprising form and drawing it almost simultaneously. How much data you can pack in one quick stroke depends on the tool. If you were East Asian, that stroke would be final and unrepeatable. In any case, your aim is to be confident, accurate, and in time, expressive.

Practice makes perfect? No, practice AND progress make perfect. I might specialize in buildings, but I can’t forego learning from figures. I have to be ready to execute when the inspiration arrives to draw a figure and to draw it well.

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Talima Beach Resort, Olango island, Lapu Lapu City, Cebu, 24 Nov 2019. Here for a meeting with collaborators: Frances, Roy, Anavaj, Tonyo, Mark, the younger Mark, Ric, Maureen, Laijelle, and Ryan. Get your boat for Olango island at Punto Engano in Lapu Lapu City. Take a tricycle. Beach is not sand, but there’s a swimming pool. Food is good. Internet is very bad. Voltage fluctuates wildly. But a quiet place.

The yearly Fringeprov improv festival was held at Pineapple Labs on 26-27 October 2019. It Third World Improv and Pineapple Lab, an art gallery, hosted the event. It ran for 12h straight, showcasing improv groups from all over Manila.

Two of my favorite sayings from improve are 1) “You don’t mistakes; you only get unexpected results”; and 2) “Commit”.

I sketched the facade of Pineapple Lab as it appeared at around 5:20 a.m.