Perfectionism: The tendency to set excessively high performance standards and to be overly critical of oneself.
Imposter Syndrome: The psychological phenomenon where people doubt their achievements and have a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
Procrastination: The act of delaying or postponing tasks, often due to avoidance of discomfort or fear of failure.
Busy-ness: Constantly keeping oneself busy, often as a way to avoid addressing underlying issues or priorities.
Comparison: The act of constantly comparing oneself to others, leading to feelings of inadequacy or jealousy.
Commitment Phobia: A fear of making commitments or maintaining long-term relationships, often due to a fear of losing one’s identity or freedom.
Dependency: Over-reliance on others for support, approval, or decision-making.
Excessive Caution: An overly cautious approach to life that results in missed opportunities and experiences.
Fear of Rejection: A deep-seated fear of being rejected by others, often leading to avoidance of relationships or opportunities.
Heroic Independence: A tendency to refuse help from others, believing that one must always be self-sufficient and independent.
Judgment: The tendency to be overly critical and judgmental of others, often as a way to deflect attention from oneself.
Pessimism: The tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen; a lack of hope or optimism about the future.
“Coach,” said Jed, “we could probably boil all of that into just one trap: emotional thinking. More precisely, I think that in all these cases, what we are seeing are emotional issues — fear, anxiety, worry — that end up hijacking logic. I imagine that smart people would be particularly prone to having their logic hijacked, because being smart they have been overexercising their strong logical powers to the detriment of their emotional quotient.”
“You are right, go on,” encouraged Coach.
“And so, when one is in one of these traps, one is really just logicizing what is in fact an emotional problem. Therefore, for logic to regain its real rooting in reality, the solution will be to cool down the emotion. How does one do that?”
“The short answer, Jed, is to NAME the problem, to be aware that one is being perfectionist or over dependent. And then after naming the problem, to experience the emotion — and in a sense, to enjoy it! This seems to work because naming a problem, recognizing the emotion, and not fighting it seems to diminish its power over logic. Then, with logic back in the driver’s seat, one can trust it to right things. If one is smart.”
“And if one isn’t?”
“There may be other ways, like counseling. But I think we’re all basically smart in a way. Some people just get the hang of it easier.
“And then, again, none of this implies that it’s easy. Certain habits of thinking, you know, certain events that trigger the emotion into overdrive, could be harder to get rid of. There are specific ways to handle that. I’m thinking specifically of cognitive behavior therapy. We’ll get to that soon enough,” ended Coach.
“Coach,” asked Jed, “we know that some people make little progress no matter how hard they try. What’s going on?”
“Well, nothing of what we’ve talked regarding traps means it’s easy to overcome them. People just have to trust the process. And trust their mentors and coaches. Lack of trust leads to pessimism.
“Pessimism refers to a tendency to see and expect negative outcomes, have a negative outlook on life, and dwell on the unfavorable aspects of situations. We are trained to prepare for the worst. And in a real sense, we value people in our team who are inclined to find the bugs, to catch the rest of us in our wishful thinking. But after considering the worst, the pessimist continues to think what if we fail; the realist, on the other hand, asks what if we succeed. It’s a mindset, one that’s habitual, which makes the pessimist what he is; the habit of tending to focus on the worst-case scenarios and anticipate failure or disappointment.
“Here are some risk factors associated with pessimism and techniques to address this mindset:
Risk factors for Pessimism:
Previous negative experiences: Past negative experiences or traumas can cause a person to habitually anticipate similar negative outcomes in the future.
Cognitive biases: Cognitive biases, such as the negativity bias or the confirmation bias, can reinforce pessimistic thinking by selectively focusing on negative information or interpreting situations in a negative light.
Learned behavior: Growing up in an environment where pessimism was prevalent or being influenced by pessimistic individuals can shape one’s own tendency toward pessimistic thinking.
Perfectionism: Striving for perfection and having unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment and reinforce pessimistic thinking patterns.
Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may be more prone to pessimistic thinking, as they may lack confidence in their abilities and anticipate negative outcomes.
Some ways to address pessimism:
Self-awareness: Develop awareness of your pessimistic thoughts and beliefs. Pay attention to the negative patterns and recognize when you are engaging in pessimistic thinking.
Cognitive restructuring: Challenge and reframe negative thoughts. Evaluate the evidence supporting your pessimistic beliefs and seek alternative, more balanced perspectives. Replace catastrophic thinking with more realistic and optimistic thoughts.
Positive self-talk: Practice positive self-talk and affirmations. Counteract negative thoughts with positive statements and reminders of your strengths and past successes.
Gratitude practice: Cultivate a gratitude practice to shift your focus towards the positive aspects of life. Regularly identify and appreciate the things you are grateful for, no matter how small they may seem.
Optimistic visualization: Engage in visualization exercises where you imagine positive outcomes and successful experiences. Visualize yourself overcoming challenges and achieving your goals.
Surround yourself with positivity: Surround yourself with positive and optimistic people. Their energy and perspective can influence your own outlook and help counterbalance pessimistic thinking.
Balance realism and optimism: Strive for a balanced approach that acknowledges both the positive and negative aspects of situations. Avoid extreme thinking and embrace a more realistic and nuanced view.
Focus on solutions: Instead of dwelling on problems, shift your focus to identifying solutions and taking proactive steps. Break down larger challenges into manageable tasks and celebrate each small victory along the way.
Challenge cognitive biases: Recognize and challenge cognitive biases that contribute to pessimism, such as the negativity bias or the tendency to overlook positive evidence. Seek a more balanced and objective view of situations.
Seek support: If pessimism significantly impacts your daily life, relationships, or mental well-being, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance, help you explore underlying causes, and teach you additional strategies to address pessimistic thinking.
“You will find that some of your colleagues can sometimes be very pessimistic because they’re simply having a bad day. Or they must deliver on tasks over which they have little experience. Some people are naturally excited by such challenges, but most of us who aren’t are just tired. Hear them out. It’s not necessarily a habit, that’s what I’m saying.
“Remember that overcoming pessimism is a gradual process that requires consistent effort and self-compassion. By challenging negative thoughts, cultivating gratitude, practicing optimism, and seeking support when needed.”
“It may be that there are Lone Wolves who work like stars, like our friend Ric,” said Coach. “But they do collaborate, they’re just picky. The problem is when they are too picky. And then they can become overly judgmental.”
“Being overly critical or judgmental refers to a mindset and behavior pattern where individuals consistently and excessively criticize or pass judgment on themselves and others. In fact, Jed, I believe that in most cases when a man judges another and dislikes what he sees, he is disliking what he sees in himself. Hence, this problem brings with it a lot of negative self-talk, and ultimately, strained relationships, and a narrow perspective of the world.
“Here are some risk factors associated with being overly critical or judgmental:
Risk factors for being overly critical or judgmental:
Perfectionism: A strong desire for perfection and high standards can lead to excessive criticism of oneself and others.
Insecurity and low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem or insecurities may resort to judgment as a way to elevate their own sense of worth or maintain a sense of control.
Learned behavior: Growing up in an environment where criticism was prevalent or being exposed to highly critical role models can contribute to adopting an overly critical mindset.
Fear of rejection: The fear of being judged or rejected by others can result in projecting criticism onto others as a defense mechanism. I’ll reject before I’m rejected.
Cognitive biases: Cognitive biases, such as confirmation bias or negativity bias, can amplify critical or judgmental thinking patterns.
“How might we address these issues?
Self-awareness: Develop self-awareness regarding your tendencies to be overly critical or judgmental. Observe your thoughts and reactions when engaging in judgmental behavior.
Challenge assumptions and biases: Question and challenge your assumptions, biases, and preconceived notions. Consider alternative perspectives and seek evidence to challenge your critical judgments.
Practice empathy and understanding: Cultivate empathy and understanding towards yourself and others. Recognize that everyone has their own unique experiences and challenges that shape their behavior and choices.
Positive self-talk: Practice positive self-talk and self-compassion. Replace self-critical thoughts with self-affirming and supportive statements. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding.
Nonjudgmental observation: Practice observing situations and people without immediately attaching judgment. Be curious and open-minded, seeking to understand rather than criticize.
Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices to increase awareness of your thoughts, judgments, and emotions. Mindfulness can help you detach from automatic critical thinking and respond more consciously.
Seek common ground: Look for commonalities and shared experiences with others, focusing on building connections rather than highlighting differences or faults.
Practice gratitude: Cultivate a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the positive aspects of yourself and others. Shift your focus towards what is good and admirable, rather than dwelling on criticisms.
Provide constructive feedback: When offering feedback or criticism, aim for constructive and supportive communication. Focus on specific behaviors or actions and offer suggestions for improvement instead of attacking personal qualities.
Continuous learning and growth: Adopt a growth mindset, recognizing that everyone is a work in progress. Embrace opportunities for learning and personal growth, viewing mistakes and failures as opportunities for improvement.
“None of this means judging and deciding who you want to work with is wrong. You don’t have to ‘like’ people to work with them. But, then again, you may just be putting too many prejudices in the way of getting to know them. Who knows?
“But there will be some that for some reason the cost of having to deal with their idiosyncracies, ideas, and work ethic might be much higher than benefits. Consider that this might be more about yourself than it is about them.
“Cultivating self-awareness, empathy, self-compassion, and practicing nonjudgmental observation, that’s the ticket to develop a more balanced and accepting perspective towards yourself and others. Over time, you can cultivate healthier thought patterns and enhance your relationships and overall well-being.”
“Coach,” asked Jed on returning to the office, “We talked about dependence. Isn’t there a problem with being overly independent?”
“As a matter of fact, there is. It’s called heroic independence. And by that I don’t mean you’re a hero. More like a mess, sooner or later.
“Heroic independence refers to a pattern of behavior where individuals excessively rely on their own abilities and resist seeking help or support from others. While independence is of course considered a positive trait, heroic independence can lead to an unwillingness to delegate, seek assistance when needed, or form collaborative relationships. Ultimately, that’s bad for everyone.
“Here are some risk factors associated with heroic independence and techniques to address this behavior:
Risk factors for heroic independence:
Perfectionism: A belief that one must accomplish tasks flawlessly or independently.
Fear of vulnerability: Reluctance to show vulnerability or ask for help due to concerns about appearing weak or incapable.
Lack of trust: Distrust in others’ abilities or reliability may lead to a preference for doing everything independently.
Past experiences: Previous negative experiences of relying on others or being let down may fuel a desire for heroic independence as a self-protective mechanism.
Need for control: A strong need for control and a desire to maintain autonomy can reinforce the pattern.
“We had a guy who worked here about 5 years ago. You might know Ric B. Now a hotshot in Missouri. Anyway.
“Richard, or Ric as everyone called him, was already making waves. He was known as a go-getter, who could take on crazy-tough projects and deliver like a boss. But he had this ‘Lone Wolf’ syndrome – he thought teaming up was for rookies, and he could single-handedly outwork anyone.
“One fine Monday, our CEO gathered us for the weekly rally and announced a mega-client wanted a monumental project done. Guess who jumped in to say he’d handle it solo?
“We admired Rico, but whispers grew about how this could be the iceberg that sinks the unsinkable. Our very own legend, Ms. Wendy, who had been around since we were founded, had this aura of wisdom around her, and her advice was like gold.
“So Ms. Wendy approaches Rico with an old binder. It was full of notes of experience, tricks from past projects. She tells him ‘ Sir Rico, this binder has been passed down and updated through generations of project managers. It might help you.’ Lone Wolf Ric’s ego flared up. ‘Thanks, but I got this!’ he said, not even glancing at the binder.
“Days turned into nights as Ric powered through the project. The closer the deadline got, the more frazzled he looked. There were hiccups he didn’t foresee and client demands he didn’t anticipate.
“Presentation day came. We were all there when Ric presented to mega-client. And then, something no one expected happened – the client was impressed but asked for several changes which extended the deadline.
“Ric was relieved but exhausted.
“At the office pizza party that night, he stood up holding Ms. Wendy’s binder, which he had finally looked through after the presentation. ‘Guys,’ he said, ‘Man, was I wrong. If I had just swallowed my pride and looked through this treasure trove, I wouldn’t have reinvented the wheel half a dozen times. Read it guys, please.’
He turned to Ms. Wendy and said, ‘Thanks Ma’m for offering me this wisdom. I could have stood on the shoulders of giants.’ We cheered, and ended with karaoke. Guess what he sang?
“Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran, I know Coach. He’s a fan. He even looks like Simon Le Bon!”
“‘Xactly. Ric didn’t stop being a hotshot, but he started working with others and listening more. The project was a roaring success, and within a year he moved to the client’s company. We keep in touch from time to time, even collaborate.
“Here are some things one can try to address heroic independence:
Self-awareness: Recognize and acknowledge when the pattern of heroic independence arises. Be mindful of your tendency to resist asking for help or delegating tasks.
Assess impact: Evaluate the impact of heroic independence on your well-being, relationships, and productivity. Consider the benefits and drawbacks of independent behavior in various situations.
Challenge beliefs: Examine and challenge any beliefs that reinforce the need to be independent at all times. Recognize that seeking assistance does not equate to weakness or incompetence, but reflects a realistic approach to problem-solving.
Practice trust: Work on building trust in others by giving them opportunities to contribute and demonstrate their abilities. Start with small tasks or projects and gradually increase the level of responsibility you delegate.
Effective communication: Develop effective communication skills to express your needs, expectations, and boundaries clearly. Be open to discussing collaboration and seeking support when necessary.
Develop a support network: Cultivate relationships with individuals who are reliable, supportive, and trustworthy. Surround yourself with people you can depend on and who can offer guidance and assistance when needed.
Delegate and collaborate: Learn to delegate tasks and responsibilities to others who have the skills and knowledge to contribute effectively. Foster a collaborative mindset that values shared contributions and recognizes the strengths of a team.
Accept imperfection: Embrace the understanding that perfection is unattainable, and it is acceptable to make mistakes or ask for help. Allow yourself to learn and grow from these experiences.
Celebrate interdependence: Recognize and celebrate instances where you effectively collaborate or seek assistance. Acknowledge that interdependence and shared achievements can lead to greater success and personal growth.
Seek professional help: If the pattern of heroic independence persists and significantly affects your well-being or relationships, or health, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor.
“Recognize the limits of heroic independence. You can foster healthier relationships, achieve greater outcomes, and reduce unnecessary stress and burden on yourself.”
“There’s a problem related to fear of failure,” said Coach, “and we do see it here. Often the fear of making mistakes here is context dependent. But sometimes, the circumstances and the personality come together to make one indecisive.
“Excessive caution, also known as risk aversion or a fear of taking risks, refers to a psychological trap where individuals consistently avoid or hesitate to engage in new or challenging experiences due to a fear of negative outcomes or uncertainty. Of them Robert Ludlum has said
“Those who hesitated at the moment of trial, who did not act with clarity and determination when the moments of crisis were upon them, deserved the limitations to which their fears committed them.”
Robert Ludlum, American author (1927-2001)
“Here are some risk factors associated with excessive caution, as well as techniques to address the problem:
Risk Factors for Excessive Caution:
Past traumatic experiences: Previous negative or traumatic experiences can contribute to an increased fear of taking risks and a desire to avoid similar situations.
Perfectionism: A perfectionistic mindset, where individuals fear making mistakes or facing failure, can lead to excessive caution as they strive for flawless outcomes.
Lack of self-confidence: Low self-confidence or self-doubt can undermine one’s belief in their ability to handle risks, navigate uncertain situations, or remedy mistakes.
Overprotective environment: Growing up in an environment that excessively prioritizes safety and discourages risk-taking can contribute to the development of excessive caution.
Fear of judgement or rejection: The fear of being judged or rejected by others can lead individuals to avoid taking risks and seek safety in familiar, comfortable situations.
“Now, this fear can be present in entire societies. The recent COVID pandemic also resulted in an epidemic of neurosis. But I think, some societies who are already neurotic succumbed more to the mindless precautions that characterized this 3-year episode.
“Alright, so everyone wants to be safe, right? Nobody’s keen on getting COVID or having their house burn down. But there’s this thing where you can have too much of a good thing. You can actually be too safe. And that’s where we see some societies trying to bubble wrap everything. But what happens when the bubble wrap stays on? People end up soft, scared, nutty. Let’s break it down.
“Picture this: you’re wrapped in bubble wrap. You’re not getting hurt, but you can’t really move either. Families, schools, nations do that. Trying to keep everything so safe that people don’t get to toughen up. They don’t learn how to deal with stuff because they never face any stuff. The result? A generation that freaks out when the WiFi is down for ten minutes.
“Taking risks is sometimes like tasting weird food – you must try it to discover new awesome flavors. But if society’s always freaking out about safety, people stop taking risks. And that’s a bummer because taking risks is how cool new stuff happens – like inventions, and businesses, and, you know, going on dates.
“And taking risks means people will suffer sometimes.
“But, we kept hearing about all the gazillion ways you could get sick, eat something bad, just going to the corner store could get you killed, you’re going to be too stressed out at work. All. The. Time. Society’s making people twitchy by bombarding them with safety alerts for everything under the sun. In some places you can’t even propose a team building activity without issuing a trigger alert.
“Fortunately, we’re not like that here.
“That’s right, Coach,” said Jed. “When everything’s super safe, people might start thinking they don’t have to watch out for themselves anymore. Someone else will take care of it, right? Like the Management Committee, or the floor monitors, whatever. This is when folks start doing dumb stuff because they think the safety nets will catch them. It’s like, “Why not call in sick and escape to Laos without telling anyone? There’s a rule that says absenteeism is wrong, right?”
“Right. I mean, absenteeism is wrong.
Look, being safe is great. But being too safe? Not so much. It’s like never taking the training wheels off your bike. If we want a company that’s got some grit, some brains, and a little bit of daring, we gotta be fine with taking a few knocks. And hey, it might be fun to pop some of that bubble wrap while we’re at it. So let’s find that sweet spot between running with scissors and refusing to run at all.
“On the personal level, here are somethings one can do to address excessive caution:
Identify and challenge fear-based thoughts: Recognize the fear-based thoughts that underlie excessive caution and challenge their validity. Practice reframing negative thoughts and focusing on the positive outcomes of taking calculated risks.
Gradual exposure and desensitization: Gradually expose yourself to situations that involve some level of risk or uncertainty. Start with smaller, manageable steps and increase the level of challenge to build confidence. Baby steps, man.
Set realistic goals: Make realistic goals that involve taking calculated risks. Break down larger tasks or goals into smaller, doable steps to make the process more manageable and less overwhelming.
Embrace mistakes as learning opportunities: Shift your perspective on mistakes and failures. In fact, try not to see failure as failure, but as stepping stones that are a natural part of learning. That’s how we learned when we were kids, right? Don’t think of it as incompetence. Embrace a growth mindset.
Build self-confidence: Engage in activities that boost self-confidence, such as acquiring new skills, seeking feedback and recognition for a job well done, and celebrating achievement in yourself and in your team.
Seek support and encouragement: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or mentors who encourage and motivate you to take risks. Their positive reinforcement can provide an added sense of confidence and reassurance.
Develop problem-solving skills: Study. Learn the science of risk and develop effective problem-solving skills. Learn how to evaluate potential outcomes, consider alternative options, and develop contingency. One day let’s talk about the anti-paranoid formula, also known as Bayes’ Rule.
Practice mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices to cultivate awareness of your fears and anxieties. Do you meditate? Even 20 minutes of Zen meditation or simply prayer can help you observe and accept uncomfortable feelings without being controlled by them. Then you can take risks a little more comfortably.
Celebrate progress: I like to tell people, “Everyday, do something that scares you.” Acknowledge and celebrate each step taken outside your comfort zone, regardless of the outcome. Recognize that progress is a process.
Seek professional help: Again, for those where the fear is pathological. We have a list of therapists for this.
“So, Coach, overcoming excessive caution is a gradual process that requires patience and self-compassion. By challenging our fears, building skills and confidence, we also become comfortable and skillful with taking risks, freeing us from this psychological trap and opening ourselves to new opportunities and personal growth,” summarized Jed.
“Dependency,” began Coach, “refers to a pattern of relying excessively on others for emotional support, validation, decision-making, and problem-solving. It’s kinda like the flipside of the fear of rejection. It involves a sense of inadequacy or fear of autonomy, leading individuals to become overly dependent on others for their well-being and decision-making.
Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may seek validation and reassurance from others.
Childhood experiences: Traumatic or neglectful experiences in childhood can lead to some to form an attachment to people who give them better attention.
Fear of abandonment: Individuals with a strong fear of abandonment may feel the need to rely heavily on others to maintain a sense of security and avoid being alone. You know this, right? The clingy people? Some of them might have a dependency issue.
Learned helplessness: Repeated experiences of not being able to meet one’s own needs can lead to learned helplessness, meaning, they deliberately keep themselves helpless because it is rewarded with attention.
Lack of autonomy aevelopment: One’s past may not have provided enough opportunities to develop independence and problem-solving skills. The spoiled kid.
Techniques to Address Dependency:
Build self-esteem: Focus on developing a positive self-image, self-worth, and self-confidence through self-care, self-compassion, and recognizing personal strengths and achievements. Work is an especially effective way for accumulating successes, including human relations and autonomy.
Develop autonomy: Gradually work on increasing autonomy and decision-making skills by setting and achieving personal goals, taking responsibility for one’s actions, and seeking opportunities for growth and independence. Working in teams also develops awareness.
Enhance self-awareness: Reflect on and understand the underlying fears and beliefs that contribute to dependency. Explore and challenge your negative thoughts or beliefs about your abilities and worth. Feedback from team mates you trust is especially useful.
Establish boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, balancing independence and interdependence. Learn also that others are setting boundaries, and that you, too, have to respect them.
Learn problem-solving skills: Develop effective problem-solving and decision-making skills to increase confidence in handling challenges independently.
Seek support: If the problem is difficult to manage, seek therapy or counseling to gain insight, receive guidance, and develop coping strategies to address dependency patterns.
Gradual exposure: Gradually expose yourself to situations that require independence and self-reliance. Start with small steps and gradually increase the level of autonomy.
Practice self-soothing: Learn and practice self-soothing techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and self-care activities to reduce reliance on others for emotional support. Learn also how to spot demeaning language in the dialogue you have with yourself
Strengthen your support network: Build a support network of individuals who encourage independence, provide guidance, and offer constructive feedback and support. You work for an excellent team, Jed, and all of you have mentors.
Celebrate independence: Recognize and celebrate your accomplishments and moments of independence, reinforcing the belief in your own abilities.
“Overcoming the psychological trap of dependency requires self-reflection, effort, and patience. As far as I know, no one in this office looks like they need professional help from a therapist or counselor experienced in dependency issues. Instead, what we have are great teams and colleagues, and a working environment that favors honest communication, trust and respect.”
“The fear of rejection,” said Coach, “is an intense and irrational fear of being rejected, criticized, or disapproved of by others. It can significantly impact an individual’s self-esteem, interpersonal relationships, and willingness to take social risks.
Negative past experiences: Previous experiences of rejection, humiliation, or social exclusion, often from a difficult childhood, can contribute to the development of this fear.
Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may have a heightened need for validation and approval from others. A vicious cycle is involved here: the more one tries to court approval, the less one gets it.
Social comparison: Constantly comparing oneself to others and feeling inferior or inadequate can amplify the fear of being judged as inferior or inadequate by others.
Perfectionism: Striving for perfection and fearing making mistakes can intensify the fear of rejection. People can equate themselves with their performance or achievement.
Lack of social skills: Difficulties in social interactions, such as poor communication skills or a lack of assertiveness, can create false fears not just out of one’s clumsiness, but also exaggerate the importance of social situations, upping the stakes.
Techniques to Address the Fear of Rejection:
Challenge negative thoughts: Ask yourself if you really have evidence of rejection. For example, ask whether a criticism was catastrophic. Replace these thoughts with more realistic or positive ones. Consider other ways of interpreting the situation that contradicts the fear of rejection.
Gradual exposure: Gradually expose yourself to situations that involve the possibility of rejection. This desensitizes you to the fear.
Build self-confidence: As one accumulates successful experiences, the fear diminishes over time. Focus on your strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities. Engage in activities you enjoy and are good at.
Improve social skills: Social interactions are in fact a rich source of successful experiences as they rarely truly fail. They afford numerous occasions to practice and experiment. Seek opportunities to improve specific kinds of communication, such as assertiveness and listening skills. You will become more comfortable. I know people who come from chronically dysfunctional environments filled with put down, yet are great communicators even if they don’t often realize it. Life’s tough, Jed.
Develop resilience: Learn to bounce back from rejection. Recognize that it’s a natural part of life and does not define your worth as a person. Embrace setbacks as learning experiences and use them to grow stronger.
Surround yourself with supportive people: Seek out and maintain relationships with supportive individuals who appreciate and accept you for who you are. They can provide a sense of belonging and acceptance at those inevitable bad times.
Practice self-compassion: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and support you would offer to a friend facing similar fears.
Challenge rejection expectations: Recognize that not everyone will reject or disapprove of you. I’d say half of the people who know you don’t like you. Still, challenge the assumption that rejection is inevitable in any social interaction. Focus on building connections; even “enemies” respond to that. A friend of mine, a general manager at a hotel, said that in many cases their most quarrelsome clients eventually became their friends.
Seek professional help: If the fear of rejection significantly interferes with your daily life, relationships, or mental well-being, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you explore the underlying causes of the fear and provide guidance on coping strategies.
Set realistic expectations: Understand that not every interaction will result in acceptance or approval, and that is perfectly normal. Set realistic expectations for social interactions, allowing yourself room for both positive and negative outcomes.
“As I said, overcoming the fear of rejection takes time and effort. When you come into a fight with all your weapons on hand, you tend to be excited even by the risks. What are these weapons? Positive thoughts, social skills, supporters, and of course, skills and knowledge in your profession.”
“Might there be anything worse that the fear of rejection,” asked Jed.
Coach and Jed are back for their mentoring session. This was in the morning but Jed already looked a little tired.
“Anything’s the matter?” asked Coach.
“Coach, I didn’t get much sleep last night. The thought came that I wasn’t getting as much from my time and effort as Karl. He’s doing it so effortlessly? Why can’t I do that?”
“I see. First of all, Karl only looks like chill, but he actually works a lot more than we see. And second, this is a good entry to talk about a problem that consistently affects the mental health of a lot of people, even those already at the top. I’m talking about comparing.
“Comparing oneself to others involves evaluating one’s own qualities, achievements, and status in relation to other people. While this can be motivational or serve as a reality check, chronic comparison can have negative effects on self-esteem, happiness, and overall mental health.
Social Media: Many authors and influencers have said it: social media often shows an idealized version of people’s lives, which can intensify the tendency to compare. We see this in increased numbers of people who are depressed. Sadly, even an increase in the number who hurt themselves.
Low Self-Esteem: Individuals who are not confident in their own worth or abilities may be more prone to compare themselves to others. Such comparisons can result in vicious circles.
Cultural and Societal Expectations: Societal norms and expectations about success and achievements can fuel the desire to compare. We normally see this in certain milieus more than in others. We do compare our sales figures, that’s part of our industry. We encourage it even.
Competitive Environments: Being in highly competitive educational or work environments may increase the tendency to compare oneself to peers. Yet some people seem to make it a habit, people who on the outside do not seem to have a strong reason to feel themselves falling short.
Personal Identity Issues: Struggling with one’s sense of identity and purpose can lead to looking to others for validation, approval, admiration, applause or benchmarks.
Symptoms of Chronic Comparison:
Jealousy and Envy: People who feel the need to always measure themselves to others tend to more readily feel envious of others’ possessions, achievements, or qualities.
Low Self-Esteem: People with low self esteem are always looking for ways to feel superior, which means looking for the defects of others, in every case, in relation to themselves.
Anxiety and Depression: Chronic Comparers experiencing more emotional distress or sadness as a result of what they find. You see, you and I are always better than others in some traits, and worse than them in other traits.
Overemphasis on Material Success: People who compare usually do so over external achievements. I’m not sure why that is, but it seems that external success represents a clearer kind of validation. People with low self esteem always want to have more money, more publications, more status, more, more, more.
Social Isolation: They also tend to avoid many social situations to not feel inferior or inadequate.
Indecisiveness and Paralysis: They often find it hard to make decisions or to take action because of the fear of unfavorable comparisons. A classic case of thinking like everyone thinks like us.
Neglecting Personal Values and Goals: They keep changing their dreams and values based on what others are doing or achieving.
Techniques to Overcome Chronic Comparison:
Awareness and Reflection: Recognize when you are making comparisons and reflect on why you might be doing this. Understand the impact it has on your well-being.
Limit Social Media: Reduce the time spent on social media; be more selective about who you follow and what sites you engage with.
Focus on Personal Goals and Values: Shift your focus from others to your own goals, values, and aspirations. It helps to tell yourself that you don’t need others to feel happy or worthy.
Practice Gratitude: Regularly express gratitude for what you have. This can shift focus from what you lack to what you possess.
Develop Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and understand that everyone has their own journey, with their own ups and downs. You can be sure everyone on this planet is insecure about something, and some highly successful people can be dangerously insecure. Think Hitler or Xi Jinping.
Seek Inspiration Instead of Comparison: Use others’ achievements as inspiration. In fact, find ways to ask for their help and advice: it’s an excellent way to handle resentment.
Surround Yourself with Positive Influences: Build relationships with people who support and uplift you, rather than those who foster competition and comparison.
Celebrate Your Achievements: Take time to recognize and celebrate your own achievements, regardless of how they compare to others’.
Mindfulness and Meditation: Practice mindfulness to stay present and focused on your own journey.
Seek Professional Help: If comparison is significantly affecting your mental health, consider talking to a psychologist or counselor.
“Focus on your personal growth and what brings you fulfillment. And don’t think you’re not an inspiration to someone else.
“Related to chronic comparison is the fear of rejection,” said Coach.
“Jed, one of the proven methods for getting ahead in life is making promises and keeping them. The trick is to make few. But for various reasons, people don’t want to commit. We can see that, we executives,” said Coach. “We try to help people overcome this fear, and we have seen some impressive performance coming out of formerly timid ones. Others, in spite of what help we extend, don’t get it. For their good, we let them go. They might be more comfortable making and keeping promises in another company or even industry.
“Commitment phobia, also known as fear of commitment, is the avoidance of long-term partnerships or commitments. We often associate this in the context of romantic relationships, but it certainly applies to jobs, friendships, or other life decisions. This fear can stem from various factors and can have a significant impact on an individual’s relationships and quality of life.
Risk Factors for Commitment Phobia:
Past Trauma or Negative Experiences: Past experiences such as a tough breakup, childhood trauma, betrayal, or big time failure can make someone wary of committing again.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: The fear that one might eventually be rejected or abandoned can prevent them from making commitments.
Desire for Independence: A strong desire to maintain independence and freedom can make commitments seem restricting. Don’t get me wrong, we like independent thinking, but we also like humble thinking, the kind that asks for help when it’s needed.
Low Self-Esteem: Lack of confidence in one’s worth can make someone avoid commitments for fear that they will not be able to maintain them. Usually this is just a question of skills and experience, and time is on our side on this.
Fear of Making the Wrong Choice: Concerns about making a decision that might be difficult to reverse can be a barrier to commitment. My formula for this is: decide faster when decisions are reversible, but take all the time needed to decide on something irreversible. My rule is 40-70: decide when you have between 40% to 70% of the information you think you need.
Unresolved Personal Issues: Issues like mental health or personal problems may make someone feel like they are not ready for a commitment.
Social or Cultural Factors: Societal norms and values can influence views on commitment.
Symptoms of Commitment Phobia:
Avoidance of Long-Term Plans: Reluctance to make long-term plans, such as living arrangements or vacations. Coaching and mentoring sessions make it a point to spell these out early.
Sabotaging Relationships: Engaging in behavior that pushes people away as the relationship gets serious.
Constantly Seeking ‘The Perfect Choice’: Always looking for a better option, whether in relationships, jobs, or other areas. In love or life, there’s no such thing as a perfect choice. We have exert effort to make our choices work, all the time.
Experiencing Anxiety or Distress when faced with commitments.
Inconsistent Investment: Being hot and cold in relationships or other commitments.
Hesitancy to Label Relationships or Decisions as long-term or permanent.
Frequent Breakups or Job Changes: A pattern of not maintaining long-term relationships or jobs.
Techniques to Overcome Commitment Phobia:
Self-Reflection and Awareness: Reflect on why you might be afraid of commitment. Understand the underlying causes and acknowledge the fear.
Set Small Goals: Start with smaller commitments and gradually work your way up as you become more comfortable.
Communication: Be open and honest about your fears with your mentor, people you are close to or who may be affected by your commitment phobia.
Professional Counseling or Therapy: If commitment phobia is significantly affecting your life, seek the help of a psychologist or counselor.
Build Self-Esteem and Confidence: Engage in activities that boost your self-esteem and confidence, making you feel more secure in your ability to commit. Hobbies help a lot here, and I don’t even mean just basketball.
Create a Support System: Surround yourself with supportive friends or family members.
Identify and Challenge Negative Beliefs: Be aware of any negative or irrational beliefs you have about commitment and challenge them.
Establish Personal Boundaries: Clearly establish what you are and are not comfortable with in terms of commitment.
Practice Stress-Reduction Techniques: Engage in mindfulness, meditation, or other stress-reducing practices to manage anxiety associated with commitment.
Seek Balance: Understand that commitment does not mean giving up all personal freedom or identity. Seek a balance between commitment and personal space.
“Remember that overcoming commitment phobia is often a gradual process, and it’s important to be patient and compassionate with yourself along the way.”
“At least Coach I can tell you I’m committed to this company,” said Jed.
“That’s good. But I want you to think that by working here you are making a commitment to yourself: a commitment to become the best version of yourself by exercising your profession.”
Jed and Coach went over some planning figure for the next 15 min and called it a day.
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