One of the little practices that impressed me big time when I lived in France was to experience how the French conversed. At first it wasn’t a very pleasant experience because many of them had the annoying practice of sometimes finishing your sentences. Until I realized it was something common to other people as well, me included. I realized, though, that the practice was really a consequence of them really thinking with you.

What other gems like this have I found?

I learned that conversation is cultivated, valued, and trained by French society and specifically by its educational system, which is heavy on logic (math) and language (literature and philosophy), two indispensables when one must converse well. Cafes aren’t just the cafe au lait and croissant. Ideas are bounced around, critiqued, improved. Out of these cafes came the philosophies of Descartes, Sartre, Camus. Out of them came at least one revolution.

True conversation is, briefly, a debate enjoyed among friends. It is not reportage, the act of conveying news and facts, which happens to be confused with conversation by many other people.

I realized that the art has unwritten rules (finishing another’s sentences was not one of them, just a consequence of these rules). These help to guarantee that friendly debate stayed friendly, even if intense and emotional. I try to distill these rules here.

Aim to enjoy dissecting ideas, for the betterment of all. Apart from logic and language, one has to have knowledge. The genius of the French educational system is that nearly everyone reads the same books, the same authors, covering a vast array of fields from history to literature to current events. A society that didn’t have a canon as the French do, is forced to talk about movies, and hopefully progress from there. One also has to know how to tell jokes and make witty remarks, which served to cool emotions down and reassure one’s “opponents” that you’re actually with them.

Conversation is personally and professionally fruitful. Here are some reasons why:

1. Conversation builds relationships. Conversation allows us to connect with others beyond the level of facts and into the level of feelings and ideas. Sharing such intimate thoughts fosters trust and builds bonds — why else would I share?
2. We learn as we share: Conversation provides an opportunity to put ideas through the crucible. We learn there are different perspectives. We see alternative ways to think. How we think is pointed out to us, and sometimes we are surprised. We learn diverse opinions cannot all be equally good. A key skill is listening, which isn’t just about absorbing information, but thinking, feeling, and perceiving in another’s shoes. Finish each others’ sentences is, in fact, practical camaraderie.
3. Conversation trains and disciplines the emotions: Conversations can be very emotional, yet the French manage to still remain friends. We say they “don’t take it personally”, but I think they actually do — but from a position of strength. First of all, they have confidence in their skills, and they expect that others will be as well. It’s not a question of proving who is better. Conversations help us come to grips with our emotions.
4. We learn to negotiate and to resolve conflicts: Office meetings are not conversations because they are not leisure activities. But similar rules apply. I’ve seen intense meetings where people fight, and then enjoy coffee together afterwards.
5. Networking and professional growth: Conversation is essential for networking and career development. Skill in conversation is valued in French professional circles, for obvious reasons. And, again, it’s not about proving your superiority but your ability to contribute.
6. Influence and leadership: Conversational skills are crucial for those in leadership roles. Good conversationalists have the ability to inspire, motivate, and influence others through their communication. They can articulate their vision, engage in persuasive conversations, and effectively convey their ideas and goals, thereby inspiring their team members and achieving desired outcomes.

While conversations can vary in nature and style, there are certain rules, qualities, and skills that contribute to being a good conversationalist. Here are some:

1. Listen actively: Pay attention, maintain eye contact, and show genuine interest in what they have to say. Stand in someone else’s shoes as they speak, before returning to your own shoes, but this time a “better” person.
2. Show respect and courtesy: Treat others with respect and courtesy. Conversationalists value diverse opinions. Avoid interrupting or dominating the conversation, and allow each person to express their thoughts and ideas freely. Avoid judgment and maintain a positive and open-minded attitude.
3. Show empathy and understanding: Many people pay lip service to empathy, when they should admit that empathizing can result in internal conflict. Welcome this conflict. You don’t have to adopt and agree, merely understand, and if you experience internal conflict then it means your effort to stand in another’s shoes was serious.
4. Communicate clearly: Express your ideas clearly, use appropriate language and tone, and avoid excessive jargon or complex terminology that might confuse the listener. Be mindful of non-verbal cues such as body language and facial expressions. Do not make all your premises explicit when you argue. Leaving things unsaid and yet be understood, that’s a mark of an intellectual. The opposite is pedantry.
5. Ask thoughtful questions: Show you are curious and genuinely interested in the other person’s perspective. Use questions to explore topics further and encourage the other person to share more. Learn techniques in asking questions.
6. Contribute: Strike a balance between talking and listening, allowing for a dynamic and engaging exchange. And do it from a position of strength. For example, my French friends expected an Asian like myself to be thoroughly Asian in my “presentation”, to not try to be French. I had to restudy my own Asian history books as a result!
7. Adapt: Conversations can take unexpected turns, and good conversationalists are flexible, adaptable, and have a sense of humor. Be open to changing topics, and balance this against changing too much too quickly.
8. Be curious and eager to learn, like a child: Cultivate a broad range of knowledge about various subjects. This doesn’t mean you have to be an expert in all but your field. Stay informed about current events, and have diverse interests. If you did not grow up in a society with a canon of readings, at least make the effort to watch and listen to what others are consuming if you want to converse with people outside your professional circle. I found that the best approach is simply to cultivate a long friendship with people from these circles, specifically the Toastmasters, as you will all reach some kind of canon substitute over time.

Unfortunately, bad conversations abound. They are marked by a lack of genuine interest, failure to listen (many people think only about what they are about to say), pedantry (they say every darn detail of every darn thing), talk about themselves, talk too long, ask irrelevant questions. A common defect is to flit and float from one topic to another, which I suspect is initiated by people who do not have the discipline to control their emotions, or do not have the knowledge or interest to contribute to a topic. Many who fail are insecure and compensate by trying to prove they are superior; when others disagree, they take offense. They take things personally, but from a position of weakness. A few do not have the emotional quotient to understand non-verbal cues, and therefore do not see that others are no longer enjoying their time with them. Finally, some people simply exude negative energy, always complaining, always ranting, always talking ill of other people — or simply talking about other people.

Conversation is a skill that takes practice. Seek debate resources, add humor and friendliness, and you’ll have conversation.

(Q.C. 230705)