fear

Fear of rejection

| jaylazzo

“The fear of rejection,” said Coach, “is an intense and irrational fear of being rejected, criticized, or disapproved of by others. It can significantly impact an individual’s self-esteem, interpersonal relationships, and willingness to take social risks.

Image: https://gateway2counseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/jj.png

“Here are common risk factors:

Risk Factors for Fear of Rejection:

  1. Negative past experiences: Previous experiences of rejection, humiliation, or social exclusion, often from a difficult childhood, can contribute to the development of this fear.
  2. Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may have a heightened need for validation and approval from others. A vicious cycle is involved here: the more one tries to court approval, the less one gets it.
  3. Social comparison: Constantly comparing oneself to others and feeling inferior or inadequate can amplify the fear of being judged as inferior or inadequate by others.
  4. Perfectionism: Striving for perfection and fearing making mistakes can intensify the fear of rejection. People can equate themselves with their performance or achievement.
  5. Lack of social skills: Difficulties in social interactions, such as poor communication skills or a lack of assertiveness, can create false fears not just out of one’s clumsiness, but also exaggerate the importance of social situations, upping the stakes.

Techniques to Address the Fear of Rejection:

  1. Challenge negative thoughts: Ask yourself if you really have evidence of rejection. For example, ask whether a criticism was catastrophic. Replace these thoughts with more realistic or positive ones. Consider other ways of interpreting the situation that contradicts the fear of rejection.
  2. Gradual exposure: Gradually expose yourself to situations that involve the possibility of rejection. This desensitizes you to the fear.
  3. Build self-confidence: As one accumulates successful experiences, the fear diminishes over time. Focus on your strengths, accomplishments, and positive qualities. Engage in activities you enjoy and are good at.
  4. Improve social skills: Social interactions are in fact a rich source of successful experiences as they rarely truly fail. They afford numerous occasions to practice and experiment. Seek opportunities to improve specific kinds of communication, such as assertiveness and listening skills. You will become more comfortable. I know people who come from chronically dysfunctional environments filled with put down, yet are great communicators even if they don’t often realize it. Life’s tough, Jed.
  5. Develop resilience: Learn to bounce back from rejection. Recognize that it’s a natural part of life and does not define your worth as a person. Embrace setbacks as learning experiences and use them to grow stronger.
  6. Surround yourself with supportive people: Seek out and maintain relationships with supportive individuals who appreciate and accept you for who you are. They can provide a sense of belonging and acceptance at those inevitable bad times.
  7. Practice self-compassion: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Treat yourself with the same understanding and support you would offer to a friend facing similar fears.
  8. Challenge rejection expectations: Recognize that not everyone will reject or disapprove of you. I’d say half of the people who know you don’t like you. Still, challenge the assumption that rejection is inevitable in any social interaction. Focus on building connections; even “enemies” respond to that. A friend of mine, a general manager at a hotel, said that in many cases their most quarrelsome clients eventually became their friends.
  9. Seek professional help: If the fear of rejection significantly interferes with your daily life, relationships, or mental well-being, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you explore the underlying causes of the fear and provide guidance on coping strategies.
  10. Set realistic expectations: Understand that not every interaction will result in acceptance or approval, and that is perfectly normal. Set realistic expectations for social interactions, allowing yourself room for both positive and negative outcomes.

“As I said, overcoming the fear of rejection takes time and effort. When you come into a fight with all your weapons on hand, you tend to be excited even by the risks. What are these weapons? Positive thoughts, social skills, supporters, and of course, skills and knowledge in your profession.”

“Might there be anything worse that the fear of rejection,” asked Jed.

“Possibly: dependency,” said Coach.

(Baguio, 230625)

Commitment phobia

| jaylazzo

“Jed, one of the proven methods for getting ahead in life is making promises and keeping them. The trick is to make few. But for various reasons, people don’t want to commit. We can see that, we executives,” said Coach. “We try to help people overcome this fear, and we have seen some impressive performance coming out of formerly timid ones. Others, in spite of what help we extend, don’t get it. For their good, we let them go. They might be more comfortable making and keeping promises in another company or even industry.

“Commitment phobia, also known as fear of commitment, is the avoidance of long-term partnerships or commitments. We often associate this in the context of romantic relationships, but it certainly applies to jobs, friendships, or other life decisions. This fear can stem from various factors and can have a significant impact on an individual’s relationships and quality of life.

Risk Factors for Commitment Phobia:

  1. Past Trauma or Negative Experiences: Past experiences such as a tough breakup, childhood trauma, betrayal, or big time failure can make someone wary of committing again.
  2. Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: The fear that one might eventually be rejected or abandoned can prevent them from making commitments.
  3. Desire for Independence: A strong desire to maintain independence and freedom can make commitments seem restricting. Don’t get me wrong, we like independent thinking, but we also like humble thinking, the kind that asks for help when it’s needed.
  4. Low Self-Esteem: Lack of confidence in one’s worth can make someone avoid commitments for fear that they will not be able to maintain them. Usually this is just a question of skills and experience, and time is on our side on this.
  5. Fear of Making the Wrong Choice: Concerns about making a decision that might be difficult to reverse can be a barrier to commitment. My formula for this is: decide faster when decisions are reversible, but take all the time needed to decide on something irreversible. My rule is 40-70: decide when you have between 40% to 70% of the information you think you need.
  6. Unresolved Personal Issues: Issues like mental health or personal problems may make someone feel like they are not ready for a commitment.
  7. Social or Cultural Factors: Societal norms and values can influence views on commitment.

Symptoms of Commitment Phobia:

  1. Avoidance of Long-Term Plans: Reluctance to make long-term plans, such as living arrangements or vacations. Coaching and mentoring sessions make it a point to spell these out early.
  2. Sabotaging Relationships: Engaging in behavior that pushes people away as the relationship gets serious.
  3. Constantly Seeking ‘The Perfect Choice’: Always looking for a better option, whether in relationships, jobs, or other areas. In love or life, there’s no such thing as a perfect choice. We have exert effort to make our choices work, all the time.
  4. Experiencing Anxiety or Distress when faced with commitments.
  5. Inconsistent Investment: Being hot and cold in relationships or other commitments.
  6. Hesitancy to Label Relationships or Decisions as long-term or permanent.
  7. Frequent Breakups or Job Changes: A pattern of not maintaining long-term relationships or jobs.

Techniques to Overcome Commitment Phobia:

  1. Self-Reflection and Awareness: Reflect on why you might be afraid of commitment. Understand the underlying causes and acknowledge the fear.
  2. Set Small Goals: Start with smaller commitments and gradually work your way up as you become more comfortable.
  3. Communication: Be open and honest about your fears with your mentor, people you are close to or who may be affected by your commitment phobia.
  4. Professional Counseling or Therapy: If commitment phobia is significantly affecting your life, seek the help of a psychologist or counselor.
  5. Build Self-Esteem and Confidence: Engage in activities that boost your self-esteem and confidence, making you feel more secure in your ability to commit. Hobbies help a lot here, and I don’t even mean just basketball.
  6. Create a Support System: Surround yourself with supportive friends or family members.
  7. Identify and Challenge Negative Beliefs: Be aware of any negative or irrational beliefs you have about commitment and challenge them.
  8. Establish Personal Boundaries: Clearly establish what you are and are not comfortable with in terms of commitment.
  9. Practice Stress-Reduction Techniques: Engage in mindfulness, meditation, or other stress-reducing practices to manage anxiety associated with commitment.
  10. Seek Balance: Understand that commitment does not mean giving up all personal freedom or identity. Seek a balance between commitment and personal space.
Image: https://believersportal.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Fear-Not.png

“Remember that overcoming commitment phobia is often a gradual process, and it’s important to be patient and compassionate with yourself along the way.”

“At least Coach I can tell you I’m committed to this company,” said Jed.

“That’s good. But I want you to think that by working here you are making a commitment to yourself: a commitment to become the best version of yourself by exercising your profession.”

Jed and Coach went over some planning figure for the next 15 min and called it a day.

(Baguio, 230624)