“Coach,” asked Jed on returning to the office, “We talked about dependence. Isn’t there a problem with being overly independent?”

“As a matter of fact, there is. It’s called heroic independence. And by that I don’t mean you’re a hero. More like a mess, sooner or later.

“Heroic independence refers to a pattern of behavior where individuals excessively rely on their own abilities and resist seeking help or support from others. While independence is of course considered a positive trait, heroic independence can lead to an unwillingness to delegate, seek assistance when needed, or form collaborative relationships. Ultimately, that’s bad for everyone.

“Here are some risk factors associated with heroic independence and techniques to address this behavior:

Risk factors for heroic independence:

1. Perfectionism: A belief that one must accomplish tasks flawlessly or independently.
2. Fear of vulnerability: Reluctance to show vulnerability or ask for help due to concerns about appearing weak or incapable.
3. Lack of trust: Distrust in others’ abilities or reliability may lead to a preference for doing everything independently.
4. Past experiences: Previous negative experiences of relying on others or being let down may fuel a desire for heroic independence as a self-protective mechanism.
5. Need for control: A strong need for control and a desire to maintain autonomy can reinforce the pattern.

“We had a guy who worked here about 5 years ago. You might know Ric B. Now a hotshot in Missouri. Anyway.

“Richard, or Ric as everyone called him, was already making waves. He was known as a go-getter, who could take on crazy-tough projects and deliver like a boss. But he had this ‘Lone Wolf’ syndrome – he thought teaming up was for rookies, and he could single-handedly outwork anyone.

“One fine Monday, our CEO gathered us for the weekly rally and announced a mega-client wanted a monumental project done. Guess who jumped in to say he’d handle it solo?

“We admired Rico, but whispers grew about how this could be the iceberg that sinks the unsinkable. Our very own legend, Ms. Wendy, who had been around since we were founded, had this aura of wisdom around her, and her advice was like gold.

“So Ms. Wendy approaches Rico with an old binder. It was full of notes of experience, tricks from past projects. She tells him ‘ Sir Rico, this binder has been passed down and updated through generations of project managers. It might help you.’ Lone Wolf Ric’s ego flared up. ‘Thanks, but I got this!’ he said, not even glancing at the binder.

“Days turned into nights as Ric powered through the project. The closer the deadline got, the more frazzled he looked. There were hiccups he didn’t foresee and client demands he didn’t anticipate.

“Presentation day came. We were all there when Ric presented to mega-client. And then, something no one expected happened – the client was impressed but asked for several changes which extended the deadline.

“Ric was relieved but exhausted.

“At the office pizza party that night, he stood up holding Ms. Wendy’s binder, which he had finally looked through after the presentation. ‘Guys,’ he said, ‘Man, was I wrong. If I had just swallowed my pride and looked through this treasure trove, I wouldn’t have reinvented the wheel half a dozen times. Read it guys, please.’

He turned to Ms. Wendy and said, ‘Thanks Ma’m for offering me this wisdom. I could have stood on the shoulders of giants.’ We cheered, and ended with karaoke. Guess what he sang?

“Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran, I know Coach. He’s a fan. He even looks like Simon Le Bon!”

“‘Xactly. Ric didn’t stop being a hotshot, but he started working with others and listening more. The project was a roaring success, and within a year he moved to the client’s company. We keep in touch from time to time, even collaborate.

“Here are some things one can try to address heroic independence:

1. Self-awareness: Recognize and acknowledge when the pattern of heroic independence arises. Be mindful of your tendency to resist asking for help or delegating tasks.
2. Assess impact: Evaluate the impact of heroic independence on your well-being, relationships, and productivity. Consider the benefits and drawbacks of independent behavior in various situations.
3. Challenge beliefs: Examine and challenge any beliefs that reinforce the need to be independent at all times. Recognize that seeking assistance does not equate to weakness or incompetence, but reflects a realistic approach to problem-solving.
4. Practice trust: Work on building trust in others by giving them opportunities to contribute and demonstrate their abilities. Start with small tasks or projects and gradually increase the level of responsibility you delegate.
5. Effective communication: Develop effective communication skills to express your needs, expectations, and boundaries clearly. Be open to discussing collaboration and seeking support when necessary.
6. Develop a support network: Cultivate relationships with individuals who are reliable, supportive, and trustworthy. Surround yourself with people you can depend on and who can offer guidance and assistance when needed.
7. Delegate and collaborate: Learn to delegate tasks and responsibilities to others who have the skills and knowledge to contribute effectively. Foster a collaborative mindset that values shared contributions and recognizes the strengths of a team.
8. Accept imperfection: Embrace the understanding that perfection is unattainable, and it is acceptable to make mistakes or ask for help. Allow yourself to learn and grow from these experiences.
9. Celebrate interdependence: Recognize and celebrate instances where you effectively collaborate or seek assistance. Acknowledge that interdependence and shared achievements can lead to greater success and personal growth.
10. Seek professional help: If the pattern of heroic independence persists and significantly affects your well-being or relationships, or health, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor.

“Recognize the limits of heroic independence. You can foster healthier relationships, achieve greater outcomes, and reduce unnecessary stress and burden on yourself.”

(Q.C. 230630)