relational intelligence

Relational intelligence

| jaylazzo

This essay was originally a talk on social relations and naturalness.

I will talk about the basic requirement for practicing the skill of building relationships, that is, embracing your own uniqueness. I won’t talk about how to actually deal with people. We will talk about unhealthy relationships. Then we close with a critical but often misunderstood aspect of this skill, which is to know into what kind of relationship you want to put people in with regard to yourself and thus manage your expectations, your growth, and theirs.

Loving well and deciding well require more than awareness. It requires more than intentions that are actually carried out. It requires intelligence, acumen, specifically, relational intelligence. Relational intelligence is not a personality type or trait like extroversion. Extroverts are energized by people, introverts by being alone. But neither determines whether you are GOOD at dealing with people. It is a myth that extroverts are high in relational intelligence and introverts low. Relational intelligence is a skill that helps you optimize relationships to be in the best interest of you and of the person you are in a relationship with.

Relational intelligence skill can grow incrementally or exponentially. Peter was impulsive, unreliable, temperamental. But after Pentecost he is totally changed by grace. That’s exponential growth. More often, growth happens over a long time. To grow, we need to understand, embrace, and unleash our God-given uniqueness. If we do not understand, embrace, and unleash our God-given uniqueness we will not be able to properly love others with their uniqueness. Just like you and I have uniqueness, others have it. If we don’t understand this, differences become demonized.

There are 5 ways in which a person’s uniqueness manifests itself.

First, unique design. Jeremiah in the Bible had some hesitation. Like us, he felt that some of his differences made him deficient. He’s probably looking at his age, probably at his passions, his confidence, assessing his own competencies. He’s telling God: “You’re telling me to do what the prophets are doing, but I’m not wired the way they are wired.” God talked him out of his inadequacy, to get him to accept His calling. God uses other ways to show us in which areas to grow. One way is to ask “What irritates me about people?” Often, we are irritated by traits we see in ourselves but deny. It is important not to ignore the areas where we can grow, and to correct them if needed. Introversion, for example, is not a trait to be corrected; antisocial behavior, however, is. It is important to love these parts of us. If not, we won’t be able to see it and affirm it in others.

Second, unique desires. God doesn’t give a heart everything it wants, but God gives a heart what to want. Hannah wanted a child, a desire that was insatiable not only because she wanted it, but because God needed a prophet. He put that want in her. Some of the things we want, God needs.

Third, unique discontentment. I can take any person here, go into a space, and there will usually be something there that agitates you but does not agitate me at all. Why is this important? Because your purpose, my purpose, is always an answer to a problem. David goes into the field and hears Goliath hurling all those insults against God, and the Israelites were like “Oh, we’re used to it.” David’s like, “No one’s having a problem with THAT???” He’s uniquely agitated by it, because he’s assigned to address it. If a person does not love that about himself, he won’t be able to embrace and love that in others.

And so we have unique design, unique desires, unique discontentment. Fourth, unique dreams. We’ve got unique visions for the world.

Finally, unique destiny. That’s the ultimate impact a person is supposed to make in the world. The unique expression of a unique contribution.

How can I love people in all their uniqueness if I haven’t learned to love me in mine? The beginning of relational intelligence begins with God helping me love me.

As we practice building relationships, we will find that there are no neutral relationships. All relationships either push us forward into our God-given purpose or hold us back. To know if a relationship holds us back, we can ask ourselves three questions.

  1. First, Does this relationship add value to my life or decrease my assets or strengths? Prov 13:20 says “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” I don’t have to be a fool to suffer harm, I just have to hang out with them.
  2. Second, “Does this relationship make withdrawals only, or does it make withdrawals and deposits?” Some people are partners, some people are parasites who demand your time, attention, yours ears, your brain, your energies but give you nothing, not thanks, not even the satisfaction of knowing you actually made a difference in their life. There should be withdrawals AND deposits. The exchange doesn’t have to be equal.
  3. Third: “Does this relationship help me bury, or does it resurrect parts of me I need to keep in the grave? These are the friends we call bad influences. The flesh, the sin nature. It’s never evicted, it has to be arrested.

Do we reject these people? No. All are children of God, but not all add the same value to you. Don’t treat everyone equal, but do treat everyone right. This means, we have to decide how to deal with them and know how to manage our expectations. This part of relational intelligence is often misunderstood. To help us along this decision let’s talk about the four kinds of people you will relate to in your life.

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The first are Friends. The same soul in different bodies. These get your life, they get the real you. You’re more likely to be the real you with friends. They are the ones you will uniquely invest in, and they will uniquely invest in you. This level of reciprocity means friends can have a stronger bond than family. It implies friends will be few. Though many saints are known to have a genius for making many true friends.

Unlike the Friend whose self giving is maximal, for each of the next three kinds of people self giving will come in degrees.

The second kind of people we relate with are associates. Associates are relationships formed by intersecting schedules, common goals, and common interests. Colleagues, for example. Associates can become friends, but they are not yet friends. Associates are often confused with friends, leading to disappointment and frustration.

I once had an associate who expected everyone she worked with to be her friend and dealt with them with inappropriate familiarity. As a result, she was constantly frustrated, constantly hurt; always having something bad to say about anyone who she thought offended her. And she voiced it. She was hard to work with. I met yesterday with other associates and discovered that everyone independently picked up this negative vibe from her from early on. As no one was eager to work with her, she couldn’t flourish, and left.

This is an extreme example. Still, we should be happy to have many associates and to hang out with many kinds, be they punks, professors, gays, straight, gay professors, straight punks. As long as they are living their best lives and aren’t harming others I’m totally cool with that.

The third are assignments. Assignments are people you’re helping. If you’re just one step ahead of someone, you can help him. Sometimes, if you’re TEN steps ahead you’re less effective. Helping others can add value to us by making us feel fulfilled, useful. Adding value to our life directly, however, is the job of the fourth person…

The Advisor, or mentor. Advisors are experts who can give you in days what will take you years to learn on your own. You can pay for an executive coach. A person who pays doesn’t really invest in a coach, however. He invests in himself. Some people pay a lot, but don’t tell the truth. A mentor can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

I do not include in this list strangers who don’t have any relationship with you. I don’t include enemies because we are talking from Christ’s perspective. Christ who loved his enemies and who treated Peter, James, and John differently from the other Apostles.

Knowing where to put people in regard to their relationship with you — friend, associate, assignment, mentor — is important to optimize your growth with them.

(Calamba, 230717)

Who are the people I value the most?

| jaylazzo

At the moment, that would be Dharius Daniels.

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I’ve recently been watching videos by Dharius Daniels a pastor, author, and leadership coach known for his dynamic and inspiring approach to life and leadership. I read one book of his, Relational Intelligence: The People Skills You Need for the Life of Purpose You Want. From these, we can glean key practical elements:

  1. Relational Intelligence: Daniels places a high emphasis on relational intelligence, which he defines as the ability to understand, recognize, and utilize the power of relationships. He believes the quality of our lives is largely determined by the quality of our relationships. He also distinguishes between different types of relationships — friends, associates, and assignments — arguing for the need to understand and manage them accordingly.
  2. Purpose-Driven Life: Daniels advocates for a purpose-driven life. He often speaks about the importance of aligning one’s actions, decisions, and relationships with one’s life purpose. Understanding and living out one’s life purpose brings fulfillment and success.
  3. Self-awareness and Personal Growth: Daniels promotes personal growth and emphasizes the need for individuals to understand their strengths, weaknesses, passions, and motivations.
  4. Spiritual Growth: As a pastor, Daniels emphasizes spiritual growth and the role of faith in everyday life. He encourages people to nurture their relationship with God and let their faith guide their actions and decisions.
  5. Leadership: Daniels strongly believes in influential leadership. He often provides insights and advice on how to be a good leader, emphasizing integrity, relational intelligence, and a strong sense of purpose.
  6. Importance of Communication: He frequently talks about the power of words and the importance of effective and mindful communication in building strong relationships and leading effectively.

His philosophy is practical because he provides us with a simple model of how we make and manage relationships, an aspect of our lives that probably affects our happiness and fulfillment more than our hobbies, professions, and outreach work. He outlines this model in his book, Relational Intelligence.

Relational Intelligence argues the quality of our lives is largely determined by the quality of our relationships.

Daniels explains that relational intelligence is the ability to understand, recognize, and utilize the power of relationships. The book explains that every relationship is not designed for the same depth or commitment, and knowing how to adjust expectations is crucial. For example, don’t treat everyone as a friend. Mismanaging these distinctions can lead to unnecessary emotional trauma, misguided expectations, and distraction from one’s purpose.

He identifies two types of relationships: purpose partners and purpose projects. Neither type is “bad” or “good,” but understanding their difference is key to managing expectations and investments in relationships.

Purpose partners are individuals who align with and contribute to your life’s purpose or mission. They are supportive, understanding, and share a mutual give-and-take relationship with you. They are constructive; they aid in personal growth and the realization of your goals. They can be mentors, close friends, family members, or even colleagues—anyone who positively influences your life and helps you move forward on your life journey.

Purpose projects, unlike partners, are individuals that require more energy and effort on your part, often without reciprocal benefit. These relationships can be challenging, as they frequently involve helping the other person grow, change, or overcome obstacles. The goal of these relationships isn’t mutual growth but rather the growth of the other person. While they may not contribute directly to your life’s purpose, they offer opportunities for personal growth in patience, understanding, and empathy.

Knowing there are these difference, we can proceed to managing our relationships. Management revolves around a few key concepts:

  1. Differentiating Relationship Types: According to Daniels, we need to identify the roles that different relationships play in our lives. The bottom line is to understand that not all relationships are meant to be mutually beneficial in the same way. Even within purpose partners and purpose projects there will be different expectations. For example, among many associates with whom we share work outputs, not all, maybe even none, will we treat as friends with whom we share our very lives.
  2. Setting Boundaries: Healthy relationships require clear boundaries to prevent mistreatment or exploitation. This may involve defining what behaviors are acceptable and what aren’t, as well as understanding what emotional, physical, and time resources you are able or willing to invest in a relationship. There is no shame in telling an associate that even though you will be working very closely on a project, you are not willing to have social relations with him or her after work.
  3. Recognizing Safe People: Identifying individuals who have earned our trust and are beneficial to our life’s purpose is a crucial relational skill. There is no shame in distancing ourselves from people we do not trust or who contribute nothing to our life, not even the feeling that we have been a help to them in some way. A total cut-off is not, however, always the right thing to do with people we consider unsafe.
  4. Purpose Partner Attraction: Cultivating qualities that attract purpose partners and learning to serve others’ purposes can enrich our relational experiences. You don’t want to make a bad first impression at any time. This involves being supportive, reliable, and showing that you are able and willing to add value to the lives of others. It is all right not display parts of our lives that are irrelevant or even distracting to a work relationship, such as, say, our penchant for wild parties, our love for jazz, or our religious practices, interests that contribute nothing to the team.
  5. Strategic Investment: Every relationship doesn’t deserve the same investment. Relationships should be prioritized based on their importance and purpose in our lives. This involves being intentional about who we spend our time with and who we share different aspects of our lives with. There is not shame in saying NO to one who asks for your time.

What got me into Daniels’ thinking was the observation that in certain cultures, everyone is expected to be friends. Say, the office would have “karaoke” regularly so that people will “bond”. Very popular, too, is “team building”, where we expect people to become “close”.

Team members, however, are supposed to be reliable, not close. I find most team building activities to be a waste of time and resources, sit-downs being the more effective way of setting boundaries and expectations in most cases. Even what we sometimes call “user friendly” relations — where people kiss each others’ asses, have the merit of at least being based on a clear rule: self interest. I also find the idea of wanting to befriend everyone as doomed a project as trying to please everyone.

Some colleagues may become your friends, and that helps make everyone better professionals and better people.

Daniels also got me interested in the idea that one-way relationships are not all bad. Mothers, for example. Professors teaching a class that’s 80% ingrates. It can be a priceless life changing adventure for a parent or teacher to see a child grow and bring honor to itself and to others. But there are relationships that one must get out of: “parasitic” relationships, where one party benefits — in the sense of “gets its drugs”, etc. — and the other is harmed. Or “predatory”, where one party benefits and the other is destroyed.

Knowing how to set boundaries serves to manage all relationships. Even work spouses who are truly close friends, draw the line at romance. A potentially parasitic or predatory relationship does not have to involve a total cutting of ties if the parties can respect boundaries.

Just the same, friends — “the same soul in different bodies” — are wonderful people to have. It’s almost like, you’ll live a longer, happier life if you had at least one in your life you can call a true friend. I’d like to think that with friends, mutual benefits are neither measured nor calculated because they are always at max.

Would I lay down my life for my friend? For the right reasons, yes. Many of us risked death to help out during the pandemic. But getting yourself dead is generally not a good act without a good purpose. Doing everything for everybody is not a good act, spoon-feeding ingrates is not a good act.

The key is to have a good purpose and to act accordingly.

(Q.C. 230601)