Yesterday evening at dinner my friend asked me “Would you ever hire an escort?”

What is an escort?

An escort is a professional companion. People hire them for a variety of reasons, such as companionship, attending social events, and sometimes for sexual services. Their key talents, however, are empathy and conversation. They are often well-educated and articulate, intelligent, and come from good social classes. Because clients are moneyed, such as professional men who have just gotten divorced or separated, they can charge quite a sum.

I answered my friend, “No, because I already have the total package sitting in front of me.”

She reminded me of a conversation scene between the characters of Stanley Tucci as Nigel, and Anne Hathaway as Andy, in The Devil Wears Prada.

Nigel: I don’t know what you expect me to do. There’s nothing in this whole closet that’ll fit a size six. I can guarantee you. These are all sample sizes – two and four. All right. We’re doing this for you. And…

Andy Sachs: A poncho?

Nigel: You’ll take what I give you and you’ll like it. We’re doing this Dolce for you. And shoes. Jimmy Choos. Manolo Blahnik. Nancy Gonzalez. Love that. Okay, Narciso Rodriguez. This we love. Uh, it might fit. It might.

Andy Sachs: What?

Nigel: Okay. Now, Chanel. You’re in desperate need of Chanel. Darling, shall we? We have to get to the beauty department, and God knows how long that’s going to take.

That sincerity and trust between two co-workers who can count on each other for professional and personal advice, empathy, alcohol and antihistamines as needed. Strangers who see them might think they’re married, except there’s no romance. It’s not quite like the friendship between guys and guys, or girls and girls, but something just as deep. Nigel and Andy are what we call work spouses.

What are work spouses?

The term is often used to describe a close relationship between two colleagues of the opposite sex. It’s like a professional version of a best friend, but within the context of the workplace. You and your work spouse might share jokes, lunch breaks, and vent to each other about work-related issues. You might also support each other through tough times at work or in your personal lives. People with work spouses are often happier at work.

In so far as we’re “writers”, me and my friend are probably work spouses.

How do you know you have a work spouse?

You communicate frequently throughout the day, even about non-work-related topics.
You look out for each other and help each other succeed at work.
You feel comfortable venting to them about work-related frustrations.
You know a lot about each other’s personal lives.
You seek each other’s opinions on work-related decisions.
You share inside jokes and can make each other laugh.
You feel a sense of trust and loyalty towards each other.

OK, we don’t exactly fit because we don’t meet that often. Who am I kidding. We may write in different genres and styles, but the take-home tips we get from each other are the indirect result of all those other things we talk about: our lives and our hang-ups especially among our real colleagues and families.

Having a work spouse can be great for camaraderie and support at work. It’s important, though, to maintain boundaries and respect each other’s personal lives. Since me and my friend first met about 20 years ago our lives have taken very different paths. Those paths still intersect at some points: we have a ton of shared experiences, similar cultural inclinations, equivalent book preferences, the same attraction for intellectual bullshit, and common friends. Her fiancé is a good friend.

One thing is clear: our meetings, usually over food, are times well spent.

Is having a work spouse a common practice?

A survey in the US in 2017 showed that 71% of office workers had a work spouse, but this number has been going down. It was 29% in 2021 and 13% in 2022 (https://www.wsj.com/articles/whats-missing-from-office-life-it-may-be-your-work-spouse-c4ababc6). One hypothesis is that the #MeToo movement has spooked men from even having social relations with women outside of strictly professional dealings, which is disturbing to some women because it makes them feel blocked out.

The #MeToo movement is particularly bad for women executives. Because of the fear of lawsuits and complaints, which have gotten some innocent men fired on mere allegations, fewer and fewer male executives are willing to take on female mentees, while women themselves are not taking full advantage of mentoring from other women (https://blog.skyelearning.com/why-do-women-have-fewer-mentors). This lack is leading to fewer and fewer women getting into executive positions.

I’m sensitive to the danger of the law, having once gotten a friend out of jail on a sexual harassment complaint: he tried to start a conversation with a seatmate on the bus. My experience with women is that they’re great colleagues, but almost none will ever become a work spouse.

The relationship is not necessary. But with enough years building trust, having a work spouse and BFF in the same person is part of, in the words of Chris Gardner, “Something that gets you so excited you can’t wait to get out of bed in the morning”.

(Q.C. 230512)